Posts

I’ve done far worse.

Can’t keep pretending to be okay. Can’t keep trying to be okay. I’m not. I’m so sorry for everything.

YouTube fucked up its layout…yet again!

I am alive, but not living. I can’t take this anymore. My quality of life is complete shit and there’s nobody around or reason for me to continue on any longer than I have to. I feel like I go through the motions of living an everyday life, but for what, an ounce of joy? A slither of happiness? Nothing in my life is worthwhile. I have lost myself in the bullshit that surrounds me all the time, a toxicity that doesn’t let up…I’ve lost that light, or spark if you will, to keep going. I just feel like there’s nothing worth staying alive for, due to the fact that life likes to take my trust and crush it into little, tiny pieces. It feels like my life has ended at such a young age, but I’m still alive. Does that make sense? Why is it such a bad thing to want to die? If it were possible I would gladly give up my life for somebody who is far less fortunate than me and have them make the most of it and make a difference in the world. I feel like I was destined to suffer, like I am being punished and now I am a disgrace, forever to be punished for something I did. I always go to bed, not wanting to sleep, but not wanting to wake up…I do not want to die, but not exist…does that mean that I am selfish? Perhaps, but…I have no drive to keep going anymore, since everything is the same. I have no purpose, no love, no friends, no family…heck, I don’t even think I have money or even a life. Not that I deserve the life I have, anyways, which I don’t. I don’t know what I’ll do. I am alive, but not living.

Well it’s a good thing I returned to Facebook. The reason I left was because, I think it was on the day of the hack, this page posted something that seemed like something I had said, verbatim. With the fact that I had heard people outside my house and also thought I saw people, well I had no idea what all was going on, that further scared me. I have no idea if there actually were people out there, or if I hallucinated. I think my mental health was bad enough that I could have. It’s all better now that I’m eating and sleeping and not absorbing Lysol, like I said. And therapy is around the corner on the 16th. But that’s kinda beside my point.

Because, not only do I have a friend on Facebook who doesn’t have any other social media for me to contact him on, but good lord, someone posted some stuff that has shown me I can’t even be friends with them. I suppose it’s not super egregious, it’s just… stuff I really don’t want to see when I’m sex-repulsed. And all I got was excuses when I asked about changing the audience of their posts so I don’t see them. It really makes me feel like they’ve been being deliberately malicious this entire time. It’s unfortunate to lose someone, especially right now, but it had to be done.

On a brighter note, my close friend/unofficial sibling (I’m an only child but I vibe with this person like a sibling lol) has been opening up to me more and sharing their world and the characters in it with me! >^_^<

Still in pain. The fight may be long sometimes, but I endure for all the people who need me. For the people to whom I matter

Edit: And now, the pain is mostly over. More ibuprofen and a high-calorie meal will set things right again. And if I can routinely overcome this, I hope it’ll serve as an inspiration to anyone reading this. You can overcome your struggles too. Be strong, be well, and be happy, friends >^ w ^<

Ufh I’m pretty chemosick tonight. Thankfully more nausea than pain, and I’ve just taken a nausea pill. It’s a tough fight, but I’m gonna keep fighting and keep winning

Edit: Oh there’s the pain. Oh goodie 🙃 I’ll take ibuprofen and see if I can’t just sleep through this awful night

DJ FM FM FM I’m I’m in was un I’m Ed r I’md I’m

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
If you think there’s a problem, please report it instead of venting about it, ok?

@MoonOtter
This happens from time to time.

The rules that apply are either:

Rule #4 - If you see images that contain themes you do not like, or that you are unable to view in your jurisdiction, you should add the appropriate tags to your filter.

Rule #5 - Do not upload any content that involves underaged characters in sexualized situations (this does include someone rule-playing as underage).

They are using the default filter, and have not been commenting on any images that are above the Suggestive rating. And they have not posted anything in the forums that is sexualized or in any way highlights their age.

So … they’re underage and avoiding anything that would not be age-appropriate for them, so they aren’t breaking any rules by being here.

So it’s not really actionable.

I absolutely agree though that it is super creepy that they mention their age. It’s highly pick related.

But they seem do be doing it as kind of a “Hi everyone this is me” way, rather than an A/S/L kind of way. So we’re just monitoring the situation, as they say.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
I think I know the one you’re talking about. I reported them, but given the mods didn’t take them down I’m assuming they were verified as of age and are just a weirdo.

There’s a thirteen year old kid on here.

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Glad you’re working on getting therapy, it really helps. It’s worked well for me over the years, I currently just started back up myself due to a lot of life pressures I have right now. The wait list sucks, but stick it out and it’ll be worth it.

I’ll be honest - I’m not doing well at all lately. I’m just kinda in survival mode until I get to therapy. And I don’t know when that will be. It’s part of a long list of appointments we need to make and go to.

The little things help a lot rn. There are doves nesting outside my house. A rainbow appeared near my best friend’s house and she sent me a couple pics. Mom is watching Peter Jackson’s King Kong and it makes me happy she’s enjoying one of my favourite movies <3

Snow. Lots of snow. In April. I know I live in the northeast, but I am so done with winter.

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
I think it’s the Norovirus

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Again? So soon?

There’s a painful stomach flu going around

Okay so, I’ve been finally feeling much more myself lately. And believe it or not, I’m an optimist. And maybe this is a little crazy but, I can kinda see futures and I think this put me on track for a much better one.

See, my mom and I weren’t talking as much or working together all that well until the hack. It changed that when I told her everything that had been going on with me. We still don’t have a perfect relationship because she’s never going to accept that I’m trans, but I’ve made a lot more peace with that. I’m glad things are a lot better between us in general now.

And I’m proud of myself for how well I faced my fears in the hospital. Truth be told, too, I don’t know that we would have found out I’m hypokalemic any other way. My mom got so weird and it’s part of what caused me to go to the hospital. I got really scared that people were stuck in this one guy’s Discord cult thingy and mom started acting like we were. I’ve realized she can get really weird, she’s got more mental health problems than me.

But everything resulted in a huge net good, and that’s what matters. I don’t feel scared to trust anymore like I did a few days ago. I feel really good now :3

I brought my neighbor’s dog some food and he wasn’t there anymore

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Good chance I won’t be able to find that particular drink in Utah either. I’ll let you know if I happen to find it in Nevada next time I’m there.

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
That’s the appeal, some of us enjoy a bitter drink.

Ever drink Double Bastard? Can’t find any of that in Texas.

To each their own. I enjoy an IPA, the bitterness makes it more unique. Then again, I rarely drink beer anymore.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
I don’t get the appeal of IPAs. Way too bitter.

I could go for more IPA that stuff was alright