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Garka la Garka
Artist -
Tag Lover - Good and Proficient Tagger

Assistant
Burden of Responsibility
@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Just, relax, you are not a bad person, and you dont deserve a ban, not really. Sometimes, we just need a shakedown, to stop and continue with our lives, but dont take that as a punishment, if not, as a caring move from the staff~
My advice is just to live your life, don’t worry about the future. The only two days that no longer exist are yesterday and tomorrow.
Posted Report
Elly Catfox
Birthday Fur - Joined within the first year of the site operation and has had significant amount of activity as of June 1, 2021.
Derpy Fur - Prevented Furbooru's terrible fate in April of 2021.
Astra - Helped choose the name for our mascot - Astra.
Passing of the Eclipse - Joined within the first month of public opening and has had at least some activity as of August 3, 2020.
Bronze Piece - Bronze Supporter on Patreon

nya
@Ciaran
Yoooooo, ballin fr.
Vents nonexistent anger :3
@Garka la Garka is gud to see you nya! >^_^< I been bein a lil nyanarcho socialist dharma punk bingle :3 so lots of meditation and protesting and community and diy stuff and baking and giving cookies and banana nut bread to the homeless and playing pianos around town! >^w^<
Thnx 4 asking nya!
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Garka la Garka
Artist -
Tag Lover - Good and Proficient Tagger

Assistant
Burden of Responsibility
I’ve been carrying a lot on my back, and for a long time, I haven’t been able to let it go.
I don’t know where to start, and it will be a long thing to talk about. But… I need to let it go. I’m someone who is a coward, who runs away from problems and is not able to face life head-on, not in real life, taking refuge on the Internet.
And even here I’m not happy. For almost two and a half years, I was the main administrator, just below the owners, of the largest Spanish-language furry telegram community. Before that, I’ve been on many other websites. And all of it has been problems, which have made me run away.
But let’s get to the point. That community, as I said in a previous post, gave me meaning in life, but at the same time it took my life away. It was like an unpaid job. Get up, moderate from 8 in the morning to midnight, always keep watch, and if I missed a day or two, I already had the owner on top of me constantly throwing shit at me. To the point that waking up in the morning meant my first thought was “What’s going to happen today?”
When I found out that one of the owners was… well, he wasn’t a legal person, and he did things, I won’t go into details, but you can get the idea, I told everything to the owner, his partner, out of loyalty I had her. With evidence, in detail. Irrefutable evidence. And yet, she decided to hate me, for showing her the reality of things.
So I left, and I left without harming anyone, I just deleted my telegram account, and re-created it with the people I loved. My mind is self-destructive, and I kept creating “what if…” scenarios.
I decided to do what I did years ago, almost a decade ago, with another website. Leave, take refuge in the boorus. Only instead of derpibooru, I decided that since I had an account, I would start on this booru. Upload images again, help to tag, and so on.
It occurred to me that I could keep my head still, replace the time I spent in that community, in this one, in a more constructive way. And so I did. I don’t regret it. Poor Fletch, that’s for all the pain I gave him at the beginning. Imagine, I even doxed him on telegram by chance to see why he left me on read on discord, and he made me an assistant at that moment, I suppose so that I would leave him alone.
A year has passed since that, and everything has passed. As I said, I don’t regret it. I’ve kept my head still, overcome that moment of depression, and helped many artists, users, and Fletch and Luna along the way.
Three… no, four months ago, I got to know someone very special in my life. Someone I decided to give a chance at love and see what could come of it.
It was a supportive relationship. I got her through everything bad, I gave her the support she needed most, and I was there for her in the good times and the bad, until the end. Today, she told me she was sorry, she told me what she used to tell me sometimes, that I didn’t deserve her, that I should have something better than her, and that she was going to hurt me if this continued. She told me… that we were breaking up. And finally, she told me that her life was not going to continue.
Then, she blocked me, and surely, she finally committed suicide.
My reaction was the same as always, unfortunately. I went to Fletch, I told him, welp, what were the requirements to be a moderator. To help him more, and the rest of the staff, but above all, to keep my head still. An absurd method of defense, in which, I protect myself from the harm that will come from thinking things over.
Don’t judge me, or think that I’m sad. On the contrary, unlike other couples, she was able to tell me upfront what would happen, that it wasn’t my fault, and the truth is, she didn’t lie to me or blame me for everything.
But, I felt that I had to let it out with someone, this time with you, to sleep well, to be able to… I don’t know. Be at peace with myself.
This is an endless cycle, life has always been like this, with pleasant moments and misfortunes, eternal. When I think everything is going well for me, something happens that shows me that it will not always be like this.
I am not a religious person, not in the way that everyone can be. I used to be, I fervently believed in words written on paper by people of yesteryear. But with misfortunes, I have stopped believing, until for me, those words no longer have meaning.
Can I say I believe in science as a religion? Would that be correct? No, not in science. I believe in what has been shown to me is true. I believe in Furbooru, because it has been shown to me that it is a project that has a future, it has feelings, people, affection, and an end.
I believe that people are kind. I believe that we are not made bad by anything other than the circumstances we live through, go through, and learn. That with an effort, however small, everything changes.
I believe in the Legacy we leave in others. It is not us who will be remembered, but our actions, and what they leave on the people they interfere with.
There is no heaven, hell, purgatory, afterlife for me. There is only today, now. No tomorrow, no yesterday.
So… why? Why am I unable to feel pain anymore? Others would have broken in my place. Others would be shattered, others would not know what to do. Why the hell do I just keep working, keep going with my life? What’s the point of continuing, then, in me? That’s something I don’t understand anymore, why I do it. I just do it.
I think I’ve taken so many hits in my life that I became insensitive to them.
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StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys

Meow meow :3
@Garka la Garka
I am glad that you have talked about this. You have the same reason I’ve had for posting in this thread - keeping things to oneself can be a big burden to carry. For me, it often feels like a weight has been lifted if I talk with others about what has been causing me pain.
Your girlfriend may not have killed herself. I had a guy I broke up with in 2009 who said he would kill himself if I did. But he was abusive to the point I had no other choice. Every couple years or so, I’d quietly look him up out of curiosity, and he still lived. I’ve known many other people with severe, suicidal depression as well, and they’re all still here. So keep your chin up. But indeed, if she did choose that dark path, you are correct that it’s not your fault. We should always try our best, but ultimately, there may be times where we can’t save everyone. You did your best to love her.
That boss you had on that website sounds like absolute hell. That’s not how a site should be run, and more moderators should have been appointed so that you did not feel so burdened. Moderating a site should definitely be more free-flowing than that. Stuff like that is why I consider my cancer more a blessing than a curse. At this point, I’ve realized I would much rather be disabled than work a job. I’m just not cut out for having my soul sucked away like that.
You are feeling emotional numbness because you’ve been through a lot. Focus on healing and positivity, and your emotions will return in time.
I am very interested in your science as a religion beliefs. I have recently become a deeply spiritual purrson, and if you don’t mind my having the wildest spiritual theories ever, I’d be interested in hearing about your beliefs in the Spiritual Beliefs thread. I am interested in all walks of religious theory, including science as religion >^_^<
I feel as though you keep living because you are simply not meant to die. Together, you and I have forged a slight friendship bond, and this can grow. You can meet other people to fall in love with, or your girlfriend might return to you. You never know what life will throw at you, and that includes good things. Life is not some grim reality all the time. You must always look forward to tomorrow, as the possibilities of life are truly an infinite amount of Billy Mayses. But wait, there’s more! If you get that reference, heh ::3
Posted Report
FruityPWN
Birthday Fur - Joined within the first year of the site operation and has had significant amount of activity as of June 1, 2021.
Astra - Helped choose the name for our mascot - Astra.
Passing of the Eclipse - Joined within the first month of public opening and has had at least some activity as of August 3, 2020.

Fruitiest of PWN
I hope the headaches go away soon…it’s been going strong for days and I’m so stressed out, I can’t even keep awake…still, I am optimistic I will find love again…maybe…yeah. I dunno.
Posted Report
Garka la Garka
Artist -
Tag Lover - Good and Proficient Tagger

Assistant
Burden of Responsibility
@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
It’s really hard to talk about these things, especially in depth, but after what happened yesterday, and feeling alone, I needed to let it out.
As for the whole taking her own life thing, don’t worry. Personally, I don’t think she’ll do it, she herself said that she was too much of a coward for that in the end. But not enough to get out of my life. I told her that I would always be there for her, but that if she left, she shouldn’t come back, because I’m not someone who is thrown away and picked up all the time. And that’s what she did, leave.
The owner of FurryLA, which was the community on Facebook, Telegram and Discord, was a hell. She had me as a slave, literally, while I solved all the problems. If something went wrong because of her decisions, she blamed me. If I wanted to improve and organize everything better with my ideas, because I never stopped trying to improve the community, and make it easier to organize everything, it was my fault, and she always had to be right “because I’ve been doing this for years, who are you to say that you would do it better.”
Imagine how toxic the chats were that when she found out I was in other furry chats, she forced me to leave all of them and be only and exclusively in her community, because “we are the first and we should be the only ones with the right to exist.”
And many, many more abuses, which I could spend days telling, because they were daily.
That’s why I love this site, its staff, its users. Here it’s not an obligation, it’s not my job, it’s a volunteering, they don’t force me to do anything, I just have to do what I want to do. I’ve disappeared for a few months… and they’ve never blamed me for anything. Never.
I feel the staff here that I know as friends, as family. There are no hierarchies, I’m not less than the mods or admins, it’s just a matter of who “has the x button” to be able to perform a certain action.
In almost a year of working as a staff member, I’ve seen… 3-4 dramas that were solved by talking, and that’s it?
At FurryLA, the dramas were daily, always, they were solved ineffectively, users were banned without giving second chances, or even talking to see why they did that.
And I don’t know why I continue. I think I continue more for others than for myself because I know that if I’m not here, there are many people I won’t be able to help. Because my life has been dedicated since I was 16 to help others, to helping them get ahead. Mind you, not saving them, just helping them, and helping them move forward like they helped me years ago.
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StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys

Meow meow :3
@Garka la Garka
Oof. That level of control comes awfully close to this repugnant man I’ve learned about. I was probably onto at least a bit of something when I researched him. Something pulled me towards that. Maybe it was the parallels with your situation, in conjunction with sensing the bad future path we used to be on.
I’ve honestly been shocked by how welcoming it is here on Furbooru. You are right that any other site would have eaten me alive by now. Definitely one of the most pro-free speech sites, which stands in stark contrast to most other sites. I’m very thankful for that, because it has allowed me to become what I am without losing access.
I feel you on the continuing more for others thing. It was what I used to do. Taking daily chemo pills sometimes puts my body through hell, around 20 hours of agonizing hell. I’ve been feeling much more like living for myself lately, but I used to live almost purely for others. I could tell that people needed me. I’m also dedicated to helping others. I have The Gift of Helps, which can greatly benefit both myself and others. I also have saved people time and time again from committing suicide. It’s a tough job but, somebody has to be there for them.
So, try to reflect. Think about the people in your life, and know that they probably need you a lot more than they let on.
And honestly, I’d also just feel so curious sometimes. If I died, well that’s it I’m dead. But if I lived, there were so many possibilities. I’m glad I held onto that curiosity. Had I died, I’m not convinced I’d have been the only one to die.
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Garka la Garka
Artist -
Tag Lover - Good and Proficient Tagger

Assistant
Burden of Responsibility
Another thing that really worries me is my identity. I don’t mean by gender or anything, but by who I really am. When the original Garky died, I was still very young, and in my pain, I created a personality, an imaginary friend, that was her. Like someone who can’t get over the loss of someone and makes an AI of her.
Since then, every day that passed I was preying on the personality of my first partner more, and ceasing to be who I was, until now, I look in the mirror, and I only recognize my reflection, but not my actions. I don’t even have the gestures or poses I had before. Is it insanity in the mirror?
In fact, everyone knows me as Garky, or Garka, no one knows me for who I was before. I’ve tried to be someone else, to change, but people keep calling me Garky, so in the end I stopped fighting for that.
Layer after layer, my demons haunt me.
And with what happened yesterday, it didn’t happen to me with other couples before, more than with Garky. History repeats itself, I’m on the same side of the scale again, and… it hurts.
As an update to that, I talked to her, but I don’t want to get back to her now. I told her, I would always be there, supporting her no matter what happens, less if she left me. Not to give up on being a couple. If she had just broken up, nothing would have happened! We would have been friends and that’s it.
But I’m not a toy that you play with today and leave tomorrow to pick up the next day. And I told her, that if she left, and blocked me, she wouldn’t wait for me when she came back. Now, I will be an adult, and consistent with my actions, which she does not seem to be. Action, reaction.
I’ve spoken of responsability before. I didn’t truly understand it then, but now I do. Adulthood, responsability, obligation… … and the choices you make that extend beyond those ideals. I even understand their implications. Therefore… Sensei… you are the only one I can trust. Only you can free us from this twisted, distorted fate…
It’s not your fault. …I’ll be the one to take responsibility. Because it’s the responsible thing to do. it’s okay to choose who you want to be. If this is their dream, then it’s mine too. I wanted to thank you for… everything. You’re not a witch. You’re my student. Go ahead. I’ll take responsibility for the blowback. I’ll give you infinite chances!
Two parts of the sentences from a certain story I loved to read. A story that talks about responsibility, adulthood, and many other topics, hidden behind a game of girls with guns robbing banks and furries in the background xD
Back when I started playing the game, I didn’t know the meaning of those words. I didn’t really understand what they were referring to. Years later, I’m starting to get it all right. To understand a masterfully crafted message. I’m 26 years old, and heh, I still have a lot to learn.
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