StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Meow meow :3
So, I’m feeling much-refreshed after my break.
Saturday was a mixed bag of a day. I lucked out that our order of five 30-pound boxes of cat food came, it was such a good lifting exercise >-< I went for a walk later, but was hard to enjoy because my pain and suicidal ideation same back pretty strongly. The irony, though, of finding a cat in the middle of the street and, when it wasn’t friendly enough to come up to me, I shoo’d it to the other side so cars wouldn’t have any chance of hitting it, was not lost on me.
I know I’m not alone in how I’ve been feeling, though. When my poet friend was here visiting, we decided to drive by his old house to see if any changes had been made (there weren’t many). As we were heading there, “Captain Albert Alexander” by Steam Powered Giraffe started playing. I didn’t think I would cry during our visit, but I couldn’t hold my emotions in anymore. The memories flooded back of when we were in the bedroom of that house, me doing homework, while he worked on jewelry. He’s the one who introduced me to Steam Powered Giraffe and The Cog is Dead. It still hurts that the early days of our relationship are so far behind me. When we would spend time together after college multiple days a week. I used to hope that we would move in together someday and I’d recapture that feeling, because our relationship switched to only seeing each other once a week for most of it once I dropped out of school.
It’s more than a breakup, I think. It’s a huge adjustment, to no longer be with the person who was so instrumental in helping me heal. In 2011, I would cry and hyperventilate every night from my PTSD and from how badly my relationships had all treated me. It was a struggle to get enough sleep. Then I met him, and could think about him as I tried to sleep, and I stopped crying and hyperventilating. I was calm and able to get to sleep much more easily. I would then go on to learn kindness and empathy from him. And you really don’t think you’re going to be broken up with someone when you’ve been with them for an entire decade. And that’s why healing and moving on has been so difficult. It’s more complicated than simply getting over a breakup.
He understood. He agreed it feels so weird to be single for the first time since 2011. We’re both struggling with it.
I know my best friend feels similarly to me, too. She went quiet for a while when I opened up to her about how I kinda feel like there’s a void that anti-depressants obviously can’t fill. I know what she did while she was quiet. Went and cuddled her fox plushies, as she always would when we discussed emotionally heavy stuff when we were together.
That’s the pain that I felt re-enter my heart while I was out walking, to say nothing of my other recent ex and how they treated me, when I tried so damn hard to forgive them every time they triggered me.
Still, is it odd that I feel like I’m lowkey doing the best out of all of us? I feel bad for my poet friend. He had an entire friend group he made when he moved to Arizona, only to have them turn out to be very bad friends to him. He’s able to go out and date, but everything fizzles out. My best friend, meanwhile, I think has lost so much of her passion for meeting people on IMVU. She’s a NEET who probably gets out less than I do. I think they’re both struggling to connect to people a lot right now. Meanwhile, I knew that building an army of friends was one of the best things I could do after my mental breakdown, and I succeeded in that goal more than I even thought I would. And this is why I don’t give up on people easily. I’m an important friend for them both to have :3