Vent Thread

The Gift of Giving, that’s the Gift my grandma said my mom has. I remembered it while in the shower. She came to tell me my iPod charger had been dragged out from under the pillows I put over it to keep it safe, by of course the cats. She put it in my drawer for me :3 Hopefully it will still work, if not I think I have a backup.

Once I was done getting ready for bed, we took all the cats out of my room except for Sammy. She’s far older than all the other cats, gotta be somewhere around 20. My grandma got her when I was in high school, but I don’t remember the year. I think mom can tell that it’s getting to be a lot getting up and letting cats in and out of my room.

Mom is much more helpful than harmful. She does have the Gift of Giving. For the most part, she gives her love constantly. She helps do a ton around the house, which would otherwise be hard for me to do. And she is calm on the vast majority of days :3

This is why I don’t give up on people easily. You all shouldn’t either, and especially not on yourselves. Think of the good that people bring, think of the beautiful things about them, even if they are difficult at times. Try to be your best selves, but do what you feel you need to do to keep going :3

For months now, I’ve highkey been wanting to talk about all the Jewish art I love. I’ll probably do that after I sleep. Before I set off for a crash course to the dream realm, I shall leave you with three songs :3

I should tell you, I have always loved all of you. You can see it in my eyes.

So…tired…but I cannot sleep. I lay here, still, chamomile tea drank, not even a peep. I cannot believe I sank, sank so steep, I can’t sleep with a heap of fear. I am afraid I’ll get persuaded to live near fear forever, asleep never. Even when I do sleep, I suffer…the shadow. The terror. The rest. The fear. The screaming. I hear it all, the walls, they will fall. I am afraid. Who is it now? I drink, but I cannot sink. Stink…the stink…it draws near. The vision is quite clear when it is here…I scared, these weights I bare…the chains…they clack, back to the shack…then they attack. Who’s there? What am I? Where am I?

@FruityPWN
I’m here. I’m a cat. We’re soft and we purr, and we’re good to have on the bed because we will remain calm even if you aren’t. I’ve had the rare similar bout of paranoia, but there Sammy was, chill as ice, and that made me realize the noises were in my head and I was safe.

You are a person, valid and valued and loved.

You are presumably in your bed or on a couch. Safe places to be. Collect yourself. Ground yourself. Breathe.

I need someone to practice self-defense with.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Get a firearm, at least have some trigger discipline.

@ChickPea
Such a decision must be given a lot of serious consideration. More people die by their own guns than anything else. One must weigh whether such a decision is the safe decision. In a high-crime situation, well even then I’m not so sure it’s a good idea.

What I do know is, I’m thankful as all fuck that I live a weapons-free lifestyle. What if I had a gun during the times Cactus had complete breakdowns on me? What if I had a gun when Roaring Lion was stabbing at herself? What if I had a gun a few months ago when I was in a seriously dark place?

Safety above all else. Additionally, animals are proven to be better for home defense. Pepper spray is also a good idea if going out into a dangerous area.

Badheart’s idea of practicing self-defense is what I like better, now that I’ve thought about it more. It’s a form of exercise. It’ll get his body healthier. He needs to find a class of his preferred martial arts style, if possible :3

Alright, I promised the Judaism thoughtdump but my brain went in like 5,000 other directions for a while but now let’s go :3 I want to tell all of you about the things I would think about when @Lunarmoon21 would post.

Well, the depressing one is my father. Since I was, idk 12ish, he started going on these rants about how all gay people are evil and should be killed or at least all shipped off to an island to be kept away from him. That’s what drove me into being suicidally depressed from around that age. Yeah, fuckin that early of a developmental stage. He kept me very sheltered as a kid, to the point I was never sure if I should watch Married With Children because it seemed too “adult”. Yes this was something I worried about at that young of an age. I decided to finally check out an episode after my usual Digimon watch. The characters went to a gay bar. I didn’t really understand it that young, but hey, this show is pretty cool.

I didn’t even know he had been paying any attention. I had been in my room. He was FURIOUS. I got blew up on when I did nothing wrong.

My memory on this is hazy, so I can’t truthfully say this is the case. But I finally put two and two together when I was talking to someone last year, about why I think this happened. The thing is, I just don’t remember for absolute certain if these happened back-to-back. But I think they did.

One day when I got home from school, dad was once again FURIOUS and for the longest time I had no fucking idea why. I’d get a B at worst in Maths, usually a B in PE which doesn’t have homework anyway, and then As in everything else. And there my dad was, demanding I sit down and do ALL my homework at the kitchen table. Not allowed to eat a bite of food until I did all of it. I had been bending his rule slightly, about doing all my homework as soon as I got home. Digimon was mental break and snack time, and then I’d start it after.

And of course I completely broke down and couldn’t do anything. I tended to have an hour or more of homework per class, that’s literally the like, recommended amount. 6 classes, PE doesn’t have homework so we can take one away. So 5 hours, and that’s if I don’t have extra shit on top of that mountain.

My mom intervened to be a voice of reason and tried to give me a snack.

I would later go onto learn that a break and a snack are good for people with ADHD. And well obviously I have that, I was gonna talk about Jewish media but I talked about this instead. I’ll do that in a part 2.

The reason it relates to Lunar Moon, is she burns with a similar fury against Nazis and antisemitism. Because hey, what does killing gay people or rounding them up remind anyone of? Gee, what group of people alongside Jews were rounded up in the Holocaust? Yeah, no wonder I started having panic attacks if I watched graphic Holocaust scenes, even fictional ones.

Edit: And the reason I think he did that was to try to keep me from watching TV, because of the Married With Children thing.

Anyway, onto my favourite pieces of Jewish media >^_^< The first one to have a profound effect on me was The Diary of Anne Frank, I was I think 11ish when I read it? I completely lost it at the end, because she spoke so much about how she loved her cat, described it in detail and everything. I haven’t re-read it since but I still remember that. Because well… we all know why she never saw her cat again.

There was also the time a Holocaust survivor spoke at my high school and I think I still have the book he wrote I got that day >^_^<

There’s Cabaret, which well, really does connect quite well to my previous post. Queer people who I think are also Jewish? I forget if it’s ever clarified. But they’re hiding out in their little club being their fabulous, wonderful selves until well… yeah, I cry at the end of it too.

Did you guys know Timon from The Lion King is Jewish? He is played by gay, Jewish actor Nathan Lane :3 And his mom and uncle use Yiddish phrases in The Lion King 1 1/2, which really seals the deal :3

But my absolute favourite piece of Jewish media is The Prince of Egypt, also scored by Hans Zimmer. It doesn’t matter if you’re not religious, it’s just such a damn beautiful film from beginning to end!

As for Lunar and I disagreeing on something, well you know what I say! Hakuna Matata >^_^<

Art and wisdoms will be shared when they are ready, and that might take a while. But do note, I am listening and thinking always. It’s obviously not for a lack of caring, you know me, nya :3c

If anyone is currently hurting Gentle Flower, we will slowly but surely get her out of it. You got me out of it, Whatsername. You and I are powerful beings and somehow, together, we can help 💚🩷💛

Manifesting strength and protection 💪💖

I can be pretty slow to put things together sometimes, like how Cryptorchid by Marilyn Manson is one of the songs I associate with my rapist, but it took me years to realize oh, yeah, it’s because he had cryptorchidism. And maybe I’m weird for loving that song, I really feel like it helped me process the emotions. Point is though, I can be slow, especially when I’m given a puzzle and not direct communication.

You are valid for wanting to communicate in this way, though. You feel voiceless. I am slowly but surely giving you a voice. The wheels keep turning as I listen with my heart 💖

…Is that why I heard meowing and barking outside my house? They didn’t sound normal. They sounded human. I had chalked that up to psychosis, after ruling out people actually having been there.

My grandmother loved doing puzzles, by the way. She’d have her big box lid with all the pieces, just fyi :3

See I knew there’s good trans women in the world, well they’re good in general but Roaring Lion likes to paint literally all of them as bad. But one thing that has helped me calm down about all this is the synchronicities happen with Foxy Nerd, who I trust completely. She’s trans.

From the perspective of someone with severe social anxiety, it’s like, all these things talking about love and resembling Whatsername, it legit made me wonder if people are making those to mock me or something. It took me a long time to realize that’s not the case. I couldn’t fucking quit her lmfao 💚🩷

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
I don’t know who are those people, but you do you.

@ChickPea
It’s all good lol

Got a friend whose profile says “Ghost in flight”… such a powerful phrase, but one that I always wondered if it was some sort of cry for help. I’m beginning to think more and more that Gentle Flower is in danger. You think I didn’t notice certain things? Of course I did.

When one only says “I love you”, I don’t always necessarily count that as cold. I ask my heart what is truly meant. I wonder if it wasn’t painful, to see me show so much love to Whatsername when she could only show so much. I would be scared for my safety, if I hadn’t gone to hell and realized I’m safe. I’d rather go to hell than be in purgatory.

I don’t people could have gotten ahold of Bunny, he’s gonna run from anyone and his habits are too consistent for anything to have happened. Hell, I can’t even catch him unless he wants to come in. But him getting sick was a sign.

And I guess me talking a bunch and running emotional support is what I’m gonna do about it.

Love won’t stop this bomb, nya :3

She probably did act against her will. I hate that it could be him, but even if not, abusers and manipulators will often smother their victims with their control.

I think that’s what’s going on. I’ll keep thinking.

Always thinking. Always watching.

When I had my psychotic episode, I had a while where I suspected that guy was hurting Super Nova. That was wrong, but did something draw me to him? I wonder if it was the right answer, just in the wrong place. Roaring mocked the fuck out of him and made me feel so much better.

I’m a degradation dom

Right, I don’t have to be afraid of saying things against that absolute fuckwad. If those videos came out and he didn’t end up harassing those video creators, he’s not gonna come after me

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Evading and grappling.