First Christmas in 11 years I’ve been without Nova, and it’s been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. We split amicably, but I still just miss and mourn him so much. I feel like I’m drowning in loneliness. Doesn’t help that it’s been nearly a year since I’ve so much as hugged anyone who isn’t my shitty mom. I long to spend time with people, with no way to do so. Doesn’t help that I’m often too tired to call my wife or girlfriend because of chemo. Even then, that’s not in-person, though it does help tremendously when I am able to call them.

There are, quite often, nights when both of them are asleep, though. Not always, they’re both like me and do pretty chaotic schedules of being up and sleeping whenever. But still, I go through so much pain alone. Thank goodness I have special interests I can hyperfixate on. I feel like it’s the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes.

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Aww. Relatable. Hugs

Very 2023 of this Christmas to probably be my worst ever. It’s so hard to be alone for Christmas. I’ve spent the past few days in a suicidal haze. Anyone reading this should definitely count their blessings if they have someone to spend Christmas with. I had nobody.

Sigh… but I’m still alive. Made it through like I always do. And I think I’m on an upswing, I’m exhausted but feeling a bit better today. I wasn’t expecting the latest music video from my favorite band to help as much as it has. I have a newfound, deeper connection to this song, and I think that feeling is what has been helping me feel better. It hits so different after having been suicidal for days, it’s almost like I’m hearing it for the first time.

Remember to breathe, everyone.

@Elly Catfox
Thank you so much for the hug, it means a ton right now ♡

I feel so empty inside. Just a husk of my former glory.

@FruityPWN
Totally understand that feeling. I hope things get better for you. Hugs

@FruityPWN
Same, but don’t give up.

I don’t care about anything anymore.

Contratulations!

How liberating! How magnificent!

When you don’t care about anything, you can do and be anything you want! Move to a new town! Get a new job! Get new friends! Be whomever or whatever you want!

The problem is finding your own “Optimistic”. Here open the gates of heaven.

Esurance (my current car insurance) will no longer be covering me starting next month, since they’ve “withdrawn from the Personal Lines Auto Market.” Ended up going with their parent company, Allstate, since they quoted me for less than $400 for a 6-month policy (I own my car outright and have no recent accidents or violations.)

Kinda sucks though, since I’ve been with Esurance for over a decade since I’ve always gotten cheap coverage from them (even with an auto loan.) I wonder if I’ll be treated as well with Allstate.

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
Hope Allstate treats you well!

I’ve spent the past couple days in so much pain, not only my stomach but my upper thighs and upper arms decided to be sore as fuck and I have no idea why. I haven’t exercised or even taken my last few chemo doses because I’ve been too tired and sneezy for my liking. Slept a whole night and woke up the next day for a few hours and then back to sleeping. That’s an early sign that I’m probably coming down with a cold or something, which is important to recognize when taking a chemo pill will make sickness severely worse. Life is suffering sometimes (.ᴖ.)

Hey
621 34

@FruityPWN
Oh, you threw in the towel, was kind of confused for a sec, why there was a towel

@Lunarmoon21
Iykyk ;3

I have not been myself lately

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
I’ve read that someone else felt like this, it must be something.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Thanks for letting me know! Must be a bug going around. I’m thankfully feeling a bit better today after a hot shower and a long sleep. Still sore but I’ll probably be back to normal in a few more days

Meow

@Lunarmoon21
I’ve stopped caring a long time ago. Why start now?

Meow meow, purr purr purrr nyaa :3

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
😺♥️

Rawr.

I just woke up from a dream where I won over $400,000 from just a few slot machine pulls. Dammit, why couldn’t this be real?!

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
I had a dream that I smoked a cigarette and owned a pair of winter boots.

@Elly Catfox
I had a dream that Mike Dirnt died and Billie Joe was a complete emotional wreck over it

I had a dream that I was in a dream.

I’ve never had this many dreams about violence and death. I think it’s safe to say my brain is in one of the worst depressive states of my life