Vent Thread

@Elly Catfox
Hugs back Thanx ♡

I feel overwhelmed with sadness.

@Elly Catfox
Ufh I’m tired, probably a little headcoldy so I’m blanking hard on what to say. But I’m here with hugs on offer if you want them ♡

Edit: oh wait duh, I just read about chemo brain some hours ago, turns out it’s not just something my dad came up with. It’s hittin hard 2day and I feel like I can barely think, but I’ll be here as much as I can

@Elly Catfox
We all do, but keeping overwhelmed with sadness is to no good in the long haul. As my master tsuchinoko will say, only do something about your life, and you will improve everything. I believe I have one of their fables in spanish, leave me if I can translate to english.

Ejem.

Moral: We may not see in our sadness the things we contribute to the world, but each of us has the potential to do wonderful things, and for that reason, we must bring out the best of smiles and live life to the fullest, we only have one after all.

Elly matterz a lot to me she’s like really cool and this fight is fucking hell but every person makes it that little bit easier because loneliness is also hell and that includes Elly. Cat is contributing pawsitively to the world just by being my friend ♡

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
For that I said this, she maybe dont see now that, but her existence contributes to everyone around her xD.

I remember the fables of my master meaning something for everyone reading them, and even different for the same person in different states. I miss him, the truth be said

@Garka la Garka
Yeah I was kinda going with what you said and talking about how they contribute to me :3 It helps to say it when she might have trouble seeing it

I don’t know your situation but I hope you see your master again, sounds like someone who contributes a lot to you :3

We can say that after all, he was my great-grandfather xD and maybe I have known him for almost two decades, but I must say, that he along with my grandma are the two persons who influenced my life this time. He passed away from old age nearly 5 years ago, and at a great age too, as resilient as everyone in my family. But I know one thing, and that is that I continue her good legacy.

I even have a little apprentice xD, she is like a smaller sister to me. I suppose the Tsuchinoko family will always grow meanwhile someone believes in the good things that others do for us. In the end, always we remember good deeds over bad. Hope you get better this time, I don’t know well your case, but I have lived something similar with my mother ever since 18 years ago, welp. Time to time, as always we say.

@Garka la Garka
Thanx, I’ll keep shrinking the tumor and the scab will eventually go away and bleeding will stop but it’s incurable and grows back if I stop chemo for too long. So I have 43 years of chemo left 2 go if the read I have on my life remains as it currently is. Unless something drastically better comes along I got a long fight ahead of me but let’s fucking go I can live a long enough life on chemo >^-<

Sorry to hear you lost your great-grandfather, but what we will do is carry on, keeping the memory of our loved ones alive and doing our best to spread positivity and live lives they would be proud of. Gone but never forgotten as we keep them in our hearts and contact them in the afterlife if we’re those with the gift of being able to communicate with the dead

I almost got trespassed from a 7-ELEVEN I frequent by the cops, just because of my long hair and thick beard.

Luckily, the cashier rushed out with a photo of the real culprit before they made it official.

Hhanndss shshakkyy bbarellyy hanngiingg onn eeeyeess swellingg soo muchc cry cry cry cry cryiinngg Ii ththtiinkk I’mm finnallyy sstaartitng callm downn a litttlle i’lll kkeppepe workkinng oon mmmyy aarrtt pproojecctt thouughh Ii dodon’‘t knnooww thatt it’‘ss sosmemthging i’lll eenndd upp possstingg onn heeeeree itt’sss vveryy nottt furrryy anndd it’’ss proobabblyyy gonnaa ttaakeke a loonng tiimee forr mee to fifinish

Eedit: Beeing ccreativee isn’‘t eenough i am lossing my mindd hahahahaha i am soo lonelyy thankk goodness myy wifee contacted me jusstt as i was getting the feeling that i’m gonna struggle tonight it might bee one of very few times i don’t go through pain this deep alone hahahahaa alwayss so alone haha trappedd in myy house like a cage trapped in closetzz people are like usually not here for mee in my deepest pain i’mm going to go through a lot of loss very soon and because of it my mind has snapped tonightt hahahahah

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
Happens to me a lot, in the big city of Madrid. I usually dress all black, with my cap even if it is winter, and that makes the police suspect me, I don’t know why, but they stop me now and then.

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Are you well, kitten? I hope everythings works out. Solitude can be a great pain sometimes.

Pets for you

@Garka la Garka
This was in the small suburban town of Springville, Utah. And here I am trying to move to either Las Vegas or Phoenix…

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
I hope you can move safely, living in a big city like Las Vegas must be amazing in it own way! I am sure of it

@Garka la Garka
I’m honestly not well. Solitude is a great pain for me damn near all the time. Thank you for the headpats, those mean so much to me tonight I’m crying T-T

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Hugs

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
I hate that shit. They do it just for being autistic too. @Garka la Garka

@Elly Catfox
Yeah… but welp, what can we do about that? Mostly nothing xD

@Elly Catfox
Hugs back Thanx T-T Means the world to me, barely hanging on tonight but like I’ve said before, you’ve lost too many people and I can let myself be one. Not to mention other people I have promised to keep living as well. Hands obviously a lot less shaky and my brain is functioning in a more normal way finally.

The upcoming chapter of my life is going to be painful. We can’t afford to keep this many cats and I really hope it doesn’t come down to just releasing them into the wild somewhere. It was a bad idea to let a friendly stray have her kittens in our house, but we thought the pet store would take them or there would be shelters we could take them to. It felt like they were fosters. But after so many people got a cat during lockdown and took their cats back to shelters afterwards, it doesn’t seem like any are taking cats. I knew I’d cry a lot when we had to say goodbye but the thought of them not having a chance of nice homes just… My brain went into the most haywire mental breakdown I’ve had in a very long time. Because I care about cats that much. I couldn’t continue the Warriors series when one of my favorite cats died. It’s that much of a sensitive spot for me. And mom and I both really don’t like the thought of trying to find people to take the cats over the Internet. Through a shelter, there’s a high likelihood that anyone looking to get a cat would be pure of intentions. Trying to offer them over the Internet, likely for free, well… They’d be better off in the wild.

We’re planning on going to Petsmart on Monday and see what the people there have to say. Also, I wonder what people who need their pets spayed and neutered are even supposed to do? There’s a couple vets near us and neither of them do it. When my mom asked one of them what they used to charge to get it done, they said $300 for spay and $500 for neuter. That’s crazy expensive.

I’ve also got a huge cyst on my ovary, so that’s gonna be a battle I’m gonna have to fight in the not too distant future. I do want my reproductive organs removed, but that doesn’t mean another surgery is going to be a walk in the park. I don’t have confirmation yet on what we’ll be doing - I need to get an MRI first and I’m waiting for the order for it 2 come in the mail. But I’m gonna have to have a hysterectomy or something adjacent to one, in all likelihood. I’m honestly morbidly curious to know if my cyst is ovarian cancer. Chemo pills only work on certain types of cancer, so it’s very possible I could have developed cancer elsewhere. We’ll just have to wait and see whatever the results end up being. Well I guess that gives me a New Year’s resolution: get my reproductive organs removed. But I’m sure it’s gonna be a pretty awful fight with the classic week or so of antibiotics making me feel like absolute shit. So strap yourself in for the ride.

Best Buy is selling Xbox Series X for only $350 and they have PLENTY in stock. I would’ve saved about $200 if I’d known this would happen.

Went to Petsmart and I’m feeling much, much better. I’m okay with letting most of my cats go if they’re going to a shelter. They’re so cute and sweet, they’ll make people happy >^-< I just really can’t handle the thought of just leaving them outside somewhere. Seeing the cats at Petsmart helped a lot, too. It had slipped my mind that they have adoptable kitties there. My ex-turned-best-friend, Nova, and I, used to go there now and again to admire the animals, so I’m surprised I forgot about it. But it brought me a lot of comfort to see it again :3

My legs feel so fuckin stiff and sore tonight, you’d have thought I actually did go on the walk I was going to go on last night. But I didn’t because of rain. That’s chemo for you, sore if you exercise, sore if you don’t. Bleh.

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
I’m so sorry you had to let them go but I’m happy you reached a good outlook <3

@Garka la Garka
Also nice to see you btw Garky and thank you for words of wisdom 💜

@Elly Catfox
Oh, we haven’t actually gotten rid of them yet. We just went to Petsmart to talk to people about it. There’s still a lot of figuring out to do. Nothing feels certain. It just feels a lot less hopeless than it did.

Speaking of, I was thinking of calling Carson Cats, assuming there’s a phone number on the flyer we took. But it’s only 6am here, and I’m getting too tired and brain foggy. That would be fine, just call another day, but idk if I’m gonna sleep a lot through tomorrow too. Then it’s the weekend. Then it’s Christmas. Like, I love Christmas and all, but damn does that feel frustrating at the moment. And this is the vent thread, after all.

Times like this are why being disabled is so frustrating, kinda feel like crying or punching something tbh. I can’t call because I’m tired and brain foggy from chemo. It makes me think of the time I spent Christmas at Nova’s parents’ house in AZ, when he was living with them. I wasn’t as good at sleeping with noise going on as I am nowadays, and they had family over being loud three days in a row. It wasn’t until close to next year’s Christmas, that Nova said his family said I seemed miserable. And it was worded in a way that made it sound like they wouldn’t have wanted me to stay over for Christmas again, had Nova still been living with them. And that really really hurt. Yes, I was miserable. Because I take chemo and barely got sleep, which wasn’t anyone’s fault. And you’d think a family I have known for like a decade would have understood that it was the fault of my disabilities that I was miserable, and that I still wanted to be included. And now I feel lonely… sigh…

Makes me wanna shove chemo pills down the throats of everyone who isn’t already on chemo for like, a few years. Really give em a fucking taste. Screw with their hormones and see how they like it. Because of course I was right that chemo does that.

Something’s been haunting me…

I could tell that someone was about to have a panic attack and I didn’t say anything, I’m still freaked out that it happened.

This doesn’t help my delusions, what else am I right about?