Vent Thread

I’m pretty sure I’m haunted anyways.

Something unusual is happening with my mind. It’s difficult to explain, but the best way I can describe it is, around August 12th, I noticed a change in myself that may have altered me in such a way that it may have damaged my sense of wonder irreparably…some repressed event occurred. Since August 12th, it’s been a slow drip of nullification and at this point, if there is anything there, it’s hidden so deep, I can barely recognize it anymore. Something happened, but I just can’t seem to recall; or, rather, I might be repressing it to the point where I am actually unable to recall. So, I may be vastly different at times, other times I may be near comatose-like in responses. I worry I will go down a dangerous path, one of which I cannot return from…black walnut tree. Dark pathways. The shadows. The fog. I don’t remember much, just impressions of it. I just ask I am not forgotten or I don’t forget.

@FruityPWN
Change of diet or meds?

Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Or perhaps your most authentic self is no longer connected with the things that you truly value?

@Ciaran
I’m not sure, but I have noticed my sleep slowly getting worse since that time. So, maybe.

@FruityPWN
Sleep really does seem to be one of the more important things to “get right”. It keeps showing up in all kinds of “early indicators” studies. But, maybe you’re just vitamin D3 deficient. Have you tried getting a checkup?

@Ciaran
Not yet, but I am deeply considering it, if things get any worse.

Hey I started a dream discussion thread, can you move this there please Ciaran >^_^< ♡

@Elly Catfox
Will do.

@Elly Catfox
My interest is peaked.

Been having a very difficult time doing anything active. I’ve become an extremely passive person and it’s led me to deep depression and anxiety cycles. :( I love you people though that’s why I’m fighting to hold on and not get suicidal.

I’m finding it hard to go on. Thoughts of suicide cross my mind, but that wouldn’t fix anything.

@FruityPWN
Proud. You can take control of your life. I know you can. my last 2 days have been a lot of work but also rly good for what uts worth.

and my curcumstances hsvent gotten better, I have.

Thats what true healing looks like sometimes

but regardless im really thankful youre still here and fighting it out. i believe in your ability to change and take control. youve done a lot already even. Dont give up. ♡

What does being sad ever solve?

Life in this universe is extremely rare and the world is more beautiful than you think.

Every song is an anthem, every day is a celebration, and nothing is better than being happy.

@𝔅𝔞𝔡𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔱
♡♡♡ I love you Badheart reowwwwww ♡♡♡♡♡

I’m so alone, I’d take pretty much anybody who will accept me…within reason. I just want to be loved! Is that too much to ask?

@Elly Catfox
I’m very sorry for your circumstances and I certainly hope you can get through it and wish you good luck. However, the not giving up thing I’m not sure I can follow up with…

@𝔅𝔞𝔡𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔱
Sometimes, it helps us feel better.

@FruityPWN
You are loved Fruity. I just hope you learn to love yourself more.

@Elly Catfox
There is little point.

@FruityPWN
Im sorry. :/

Can someone else encourage Fruity tonight I dont know how to tell him how much he matters and how I know how it feels but how hes gonna make it rn… :’( but i know he can and i already lost a lot of people i cant lose him too damnit i put my heart and soul into helping what people i can inckuding myself…

but fuck i lost a lot of people already. I hope i dont lose him too. Im actually been really really good lately but I still care and am an empathic bingle and it hurts to see my friends hurting like this ♡

I really don’t believe in an afterlife, it’s a sick idea that has costed countless lives.

Applied for a job in Las Vegas a week ago (so I could live there,) but I never heard back from them. Makes it damn near impossible to relocate without more than basic job skills.

Now I think I know what immigrants and refugees feel like.

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
hugs

Excuse the double posting, but… testosterone makes it way harder to fall asleep without an orgasm.

Also Estrogen and progesterone make it easier to sleep in general. I miss them. ;_;

@𝔅𝔞𝔡𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔱 Thats cool. I tend to be frustrated with mainstream religion, the afterlife being used as a key component by many as a reason for not taking things too seriously here on the roughly 1,003rd rock from the sun. (About 1,000 known asteroids bigger than a half kilometer have trans-gaian orbits.)

I find it fascinating what might happen to us after we die, though. Through meditation and videos from youtubers such as Healthygamergg, I’ve discovered and narrowed down a lot of things about both my own consciousness and existence itself that wouldve been completely foreign to me a couple years ago.

She thinks I’m crazy but it just keeps happening, I open a bottle of chemo pills and by around 30 days, the complications get bad and I need 2 switch to a freshly-opened bottle. I don’t know why. It’s weird. I do of course keep my bottles closed as much as possible but this still seems 2 be a trend. I just had severe stomach issues so I figured I had been taking pills from that bottle for a while so I threw out the remaining ones and opened a fresh bottle and my stomach seems a little upset cuz it’s chemo but also seems much better.

And I think about how, there are 28 pills per bottle. If I took them 100% consistently, I wouldn’t even reach the 30 day mark before having to open a fresh bottle. But I always end up getting a little sick or really need energy for exercise or something, so breaks are inevitable.

It took me so goddamn long 2 even realize this, too. I’ve spent so much time feeling so fucking hopeless. Your body doesn’t build a tolerance to chemo like it does to most anything else. It just gets worse and worse and worse. So when I’d take a pill and have a whole bunch of awfulness happen, I thought it was the fact that I’ve been taking chemo for so long and there was nothing I could do, I’d just have to take it every few days only. So, I’d be on the same pill bottle for quite a long time. And that’s why the tumor on my face grew back a little and why I now have a lot of fighting still to do to shrink it and stop the bleeding.

Sigh… sometimez it feels so lonely being one of the only people who has taken chemotherapy for 9 years.

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Hugs thinking about you.