@FruityPWN
As a %100 pure-blooded metalhead I can relate to what you’re saying.

@ᏰᎯᎠᎻᎬᎯᏒᎿ
I got some percs and a 40 ounce let’s go time to perish into oblivion and some sizzurp

@FruityPWN
Fruity please go back to the hospital and get help please :’(

@FruityPWN
Have you tried hanging out on Twitch? Check out wastelandcanid, sussybnuuy, thelastseahorse, Wrenrabbit, Tiger2Wild, and Ookitsu. They’re good people. They have fun and safe spaces. Please. I’m begging you. I’ve lost too many people to suicide. Please. Please get your life back on track. Please. You can. Please. I know it hurts but you can. You can get better. Please. :’(

@FruityPWN
Get off of Furbooru some more, find good people. Go out and live a little, irl or online. There’s more people out there. Please don’t die. I would feel partially responsible. I know I’m not but please Im begging you Fruity. :’(

Women.

@Elly Catfox
I’m the closest thing to a friend that anyone can hope for.

Being judged for my mental illness I’ll simply go my own way.

@ᏰᎯᎠᎻᎬᎯᏒᎿ
My post had nothing to do with you.

I consistently attract 2 kinds of guys.

The first is guys who are great for a date or a fun night and will say whatever they can to fuck me once or twice and then want little or nothing to do with me afterwards. The second is guys who are even more desperate, needy, and clingy than I ever was. I wouldn’t even have a problem with the second type if they would just not be possessive with me and my time. Like bro, chill. Life sucks and then you die, but I fucking grew up and made sure to not project my insecurities onto other people anymore. If I’m fucking desperate, i’ll just be a slut and own it. I refuse to monopolize someone else’s time and energy. It’s not their fault I’m lonely and insecure, and likewisw it sure as hell ain’t my fault these guys are too.

Basically, both types of guys suck, but I have a lot more respect for the first type as long as they don’t blatantly lie about anything and still do the bare minimum afterwards. And I’m probably the same way myself so whatever, fair game at least. It’s just dumb cause I’d love to find someone I could actually have a deep relationship with, but the only people who seem interested don’t respect my time.

I’m not looking for much. I don’t care if you got the hottest looks or the smartest brain. But for the love of God, can you at least do the bare minimum? Can you do half the dishes and not have candy wrappers lying everywhere? Maybe you could not pester me over and over when I’m fucking busy? I fucked up the time part with my last relationship, but I didn’t know better. I didn’t get it. I was ignorant. I wish someone had explained it to me. Now I’m just… floating… having grown up a lot after the fact and still just… lonely, bored… broke… sigh

I hope I’m not hopeless…

I want to jump put the window again. I got close earlier. I called 988 and talked already… tired of this cycle. Should I just end it? What’s the point in continuing it anymore? I’ve grown so much and yet I’m still genuinely in a state of despair.

You don’t know what love is. You’re a foolish little boy.

I know what love is. I sacrificed my own needs and desires for love, even though I didn’t have to and I wasn’t coerced into it. I gave space for love even when I didn’t want to. I made time for love. I knew how to love. I gave it freely to someone I thought loved me. I don’t know if they did anymore. And years later I’m doubting anyone else will either…

We live in such a cruel world. What is the point. I’ve grown. I’ve toiled and slaved away at improving myself. Over and over and over. I don’t sit there all day and paint my nails and drink chocolate shakes and play video games like some dumb bitch expecting everything to be handed to her. I work for this ass, I work for this figure, my metabolism is not naturally very high. I don’t waste money I don’t have on shit I can’t afford. I’m a boss bitch but what do I get for it? What is the point of any of this if I don’t get to read the rewards? I end up lonely and shit all the same…

I want to see light at the end of the tunnel. I really do. But fuck. When is it my turn? I work so hard on self-improvement. I lost 80 pounds. I’m getting good grades in college. I’ve toiled away at my own psychology and go to therapy twice a week. But what do I have to show for it? :’( 😢

Just want someone to love and to be there… for once in my life…

It’s been a long, long week and a half. A lot of stuff happened within the course of my last post here up until tonight at nearly two in the fucking morning. Shortly after I became extremely suicidal, I was actually really considering the coward’s way out. I went to the hospital after I hit my head from getting utterly shit faced and recovered with some injuries…I currently have minor injuries to the back of my head with the likelihood of a mild concussion. Stayed in the E.R. for a few days and left against medical advice because I didn’t want to stay in there for longer than I needed to.

I Should have just stayed because I ended up coming home to bad news, since I ended up going to a mental hospital because I was told to go voluntarily or I would be Baker Acted and forced to go. Stayed on suicide watch from the fifth up until ninth of this month and was released yesterday, where I spent the tenth just contemplating my life and time got away from me until two in the morning, where we are now. During my stay at the hospital, I was wondering why I have to suffer.

Why DO I have to suffer? We don’t always know and I certainly don’t have an answer. Done too many bad things… I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me and I don’t know if I can take much more. Nothing worth living for. I desire to be free…but I am doubtful that will ever happen.

@Elly Catfox
I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one you wanted in your life. Trust me when I say this; that psycho you saw? It wasn’t me..I wish I could explain what it was but that is impossible. Why should you even care about me anyways? You have a lot of other things going on and I certainly wouldn’t want to impose. I have been thinking about what you said to me before and I always make the same mistake. It always ends the same and I can blame nobody but myself.

I know you don’t really care about it anymore and I get it. I do. I wish I could change but I guess that is hard. All I want is to help others but all I do is hurt others…I don’t deserve to go on anymore, but for some fucked up reason, I keep going. If it makes you feel any better, at least you got stuff going for you. You got desires that are fulfilled or being fulfilled. You are a great individual who deserves the best and I’m glad to have met you. I should have had a better mindset when talking and shouldn’t have let the dark side take over. I ain’t got shit going for me and nothing really worth going on for. At the same time…I’m just wondering why we go through this. I don’t fucking know…

I just want the pain to end and nothing is helping, but everything is making it worse. One of my desires is to help others and be of use, but I always fail. It’s like I’m not good enough, which I’m probably not, in a general sense. I am always hated. Can’t keep communications longer than a year because I guess I’m cursed…ain’t nobody gives a fuck anymore so why the fuck should I? I could destroy myself physically…tried a few times. Guess I am called a hot mess for a reason. That and irresponsible…I hate myself and everything about it…

@FruityPWN
I am glad you’re still in the world.

I have what doctors affectionately refer to as “persistent idealizations of suicide” too. I suppose that’s just the DVM for it, so they can bill my insurance. Anyway, I was seriously checking out bridge abutments along my drive to work, and looking for ones that were installed badly so if I hit them just right their safety devices would fail, and by end would be over before I realized what happened, and my family would get my insurance.

And then a friend successfully committed suicide. He jumped off of the Lake Street Bridge of Death in Minneapolis, into the Mississippi river. 70 feet to the river. Guaranteed death.

But the river was low, so instead of pancaking into the water and drowning he smashed into a bank of mud and sand that was just an inch or less beneath the dark surface of the water. The corner says that he died of hypothermia. He froze to death. His internal injuries were not enough to kill him but he had broken both legs and a hip so he couldn’t move. He probably laid in that mud for three or four hours waiting to die.

And another was in a car accident that was basically the way I’d planned to do myself in - smashed into a power pole along the freeway, rebound into a semi, ended up across the barrier in incoming traffic with the front of her car missing, still belted into her seat, her legs and thighs being dragged across the pavement with the car on top of her.

She lived. Made a bunch of newspapers and became a kind of spokesperson for seat belts.

That made me wonder about all the ‘certain deaths’ I had planned. They seemed less certain, and more like the thing that would land me in a hospital or a wheel chair, or consign me to just dying in the cold over the course of hours.

So I started just sitting in the snow naked until I didn’t care any more. In Japan that’s ok - it’s called “Shugendo”. There’s actually a cult for that kind of thing. Sitting under waterfalls until someone else has to help you get up, hanging over the edge of a cliff holding onto a chain until you can’t get yourself back up, sitting on a rock on the side of a mountain waiting to die.

That’s a thing you can do. It feels like dying, but isn’t dying, and then when you get up (or someone helps you get up) you don’t mind whatever it was that was the problem before.

Like Dr. Drew used to say about people who’d survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, “The second they let go of the bridge, they realized that all the problems in their life could be fixed. Everything had a simple solution, or wasn’t something that they even really cared about. Except for that ‘letting go of the bridge’ thing. That they couldn’t fix.”

So the last few seconds of their life were spent thinking about how simple their problems really were.

Makes me think that the human brain is somehow intentionally designed to fuck with us. It’s a joke, but it’s not funny.

Anyway.

Sometimes people say “it gets better”. I don’t know if that’s true - but, for me at least - it stops being a problem. Like, it just becomes the background noise. I realized that most times trying to kill yourself just makes you more of a burden on others, or is a distraction from the sometimes remarkably simple solutions you just can’t see.

Because if you’re ready to let go of it all, you’re powerful. You can let go of relationships, say goodbye to toxic people, move to a different city, change your name … become someone else.

Your brain comes with, so that doesn’t really mean things will be ‘fixed’. But if nothing matters, then anything is possible.

And, if you are eventually able to see all that noise in your head as background noise, other things can get louder. Like seeing a flower, or drawing a pony, or talking with one friend, or playing a game that really hooks me, or hearing someone tell me how great their day was.

Or, helping artists on places like here or in my day job.

I still have persistent idealizations of suicide. That’s just how my brain is wired. I can’t change that - it can’t be ‘fixed’ because that’s how my brain wired itself as a result of the shit that happened when I was growing up.

But it’s just background noise now. It really only joins the party when I am choosing new music to listen to.

Odds are the pain won’t end. That’s just where you are now. It’s what you have. It’s like losing a leg or being born without an eye - it’s where you are.

But you can still climb mountains and paint.

I hope that you find a way to change the volume of the suicide stuff. Or find something louder.

And, like I said, I am glad you’re still in the world.

You’re the only one of you we have.

Only when we’re about to die do we want to live.

@Ciaran
Our brains are programmed for war, that is the construct of modern humanity.

I am honored that you try to help people.

@Ciaran
You’re a beautiful person.

I want you to know that you are the person who put the idea in my head to do exactly that. I took a chance and moved here, somewhere better, 3 1/2 months ago, because your suggestion stuck in my head after you told me. I kept mulling it over, especially after I felt so bad since I lashed out at you.

Even though I panicked first and, out of fear, lashed out at you. I still regret and feel bad about that every time I see you.

Honestly though my life I’d great overall now. I have bad nights sometimes, but week after week I’m better and stronger than I was before. But I owe you gratitude for what you did for me.

I hope Fruity takes your advice too.

For his sake.

@Elly Catfox
I’m glad you’re in a better space.

And … Yeah, when your reasonable options include dying, there is a lot of power in what you can do instead. Just think of every time James T. Kirk got in a situation were death was in the cards. Shit done got real.

For me, it meant 18 months of homelessness. But it really helped. To be honest, when I was homeless was some of the happiest times I’ve had in my life. I’m glad I’m not there any more, but I keep trying to remember the lessons I learned back then.

My burps echo across entire city blocks

And my stench is officially enough to wake the dead

My brain is gone and all that’s left is the devil

I’m just too much for anyone.

Oh God I’m so thankful my life is getting better. Getting straight A’s in college. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

Never gonna forget though that it’s all happening because I’m accepting what I can’t change and relying on internal joy. Even if it went south tomorrow, I would persevere. ♡

It did go south, and I am persevering! :’/ I think I’m okay. It’s okay to be proud of yourself simply for not hurting yourself right? Cause that’s what i wanted to do today, and the reason I didn’t is because I know I mustn’t and I must persevere. So that’s what I did just like I practice. I think I’m okay. I just feel useless today but I am not my feelings and I am not my thoughts.

I am strong. I am loved, probably.

♡♡♡ I like this whole internal happiness and not relying on things to go right in my life to be okay.

We need a bigger crowd on here.

I better get some turkey today.