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I don’t even know what I said.

I hate how holding a knife is my way of coping now. Imagine being isolated since you were 15, and you do a bunch of dumb horrible shit and it worsens your mental state and when you’re 18, you meet a girl, and she’s the one who reaches out to you and helps you. You become fast friends, best friends even, you open your secrets to her, cause you genuinely trust her.
 
By the time you’re 19, you finally get out into the world, and get a job, and everything is going for you. You’re gonna try and sacrifice everything if you have to, just to get to another country to be with her… suddenly drama happens, both of us do dumb shit, and suddenly the friendship is over. It feels like a death of a close friend, and you fight suicidal urges for months.
 
Don’t give me fucking suicide hotline numbers, I don’t want that shit. Means nothing if I don’t actually have the money or resources to take advantage of it all. So fuck it. I still think if I kill myself, I kill myself and whatever. That or I end up in the hospital, left with a scar and a large bill.
 
Who gives a fuck anymore. I’m already mentally fucked up, I don’t have anyone I truly, truly, absolutely trust, any “happiness” I have I feel like is moreso a distraction. Honestly killing myself is dumb, I like the concept of bringing my mental pain into the physical sense. Maybe I’ll give myself a concussion again like when I bashed my head into hardwood. Don’t care anymore, sick of being reminded of how I might have lost everything that made me feel like I had a purpose… that I was truly loved… only to be abandoned. I hate abandonment, I hate it I hate it I hate it.
 
I wanna feel my pain but I’m too pussy to do it. I fucking just want to slash the arm somewhere and make a cut already and call it a day.

Fuck summer… Too sunny, the heat…
 
(good thing I got air conditioner in the room now, but I am still cautious)

@PutterPen  
Don’t have proof yet. Long story. Not gonna get into it right now.

@OliverHancock
 
I hope your family knows the truth now about this awful person?

@OliverHancock  
I see what you mean here, the root causes of most of the fucking problems.
 
Skills aren’t enough to survive this mess, luckiness as well.

@OliverHancock  
He will when it’s too late, the ultimate way of thinking is knowing what will happen next.
 
@OliverHancock  
I was also abused in many ways, it made me a bad person.
 
But I’m trying hard to be different.

@FruityPWN  
A guy dating one of my family members has possibly been sexually abusing a baby. I got abused as a kid. Some people in big business or government manipulate and ruin the lives of thousands or millions of people through endless corruption greed. There are people who do nothing all day but spam racist comments and bully people on social media. Those are the kinds of people who should be killing themselves, not you.

@ᏰᎯᎠᎻᎬᎯᏒᎿ  
You can’t just snap out of it most of the time, and honestly there are a lot of reasons to hate the world.
 
@Ciaran  
Don’t tell him that they’ll necessarily help him cause it’s not a guarantee. Last time I tried getting help I just got into a fight with a transphobic staff who was saying stupid shit and then I got kicked out, and most times it honestly doesn’t help and I just get sent to shitty doctors who give me shitty meds that don’t work. On the flip side, I did eventually find one that helps me sleep so it’s better than nothing. I have a good therapist too, and I’m glad I sent that asshole at the hospotal home with bruises.
 
 
@FruityPWN  
The point to take away isn’t to get false hope that they’re just gonna magically help you and that you can trust and rely on the system, it’s that you deserve better, you deserve to try, you have people who give a shit about you and there are diamonds in the rough, people in this godforsaken wasteland that get it, that will get you, and that you can be happy with someday. It just takes a long-ass time to find then and find your rhythm and shit. But you deserve to try. It probably doesn’t feel like that a lot of the time, but that’s one of those core beliefs you have to fight over and over again. You can overcome it.
 
I’m not saying you necessarily will. I’m not going to give you false hope and rose-tinted glasses. The world is a shitty, dark place, and not everyone is a fucking winner, certainly not us. I’m just saying, there is a future you can slowly build and find, with happiness and a purpose, even if it’s not everything you dreamed of and it still has a lot of bullshit in it. You can figure out how to be okay. I’m still figuring it out myself and there’s days I really want to kill myself too. But there are people who care, despite what you might think. I actually give a shit. It about ruined me when I saw your post. Not trying to guilt trip you. I just… Idk man, it messed me up seeing that cause I know I have wanted to help you and it sucks when you don’t know how to help someone. But I know you need it and you deserve it because I’ve been through it myself and I’ve seen and lost people I love because of it. It fucking sucks. So I’m not fucking giving up on you. I’m so sick and goddamned tired of seeing good everyday people who don’t make the world a worse place killing themselves while the real assholes out there who actually should off themselves are blissfully ignorant as ever doing their thing. I know your story man, cause you told it to me. You are hating yourself and your situation but it’s complete bullshit man. It’s not your fault, it just is what it is. You need to realize that it’s not your fault and that you deserve to feel better than this and move on and find happiness.

I can’t see my forehead…

@FruityPWN  
Whatever’s going through your head you better snap out of it.

@FruityPWN  
Ok, I hope that you have a good recovery without any lingering side effects.
 
That’s honestly why I’ve never tried suicide myself (even though my doctors say I’ve died a couple of times on the table). So often people just end up crippled or having to spend years reporting to someone when it goes wrong. Or, like Dr. Drew used to talk about on Love Line, when people step off of a bridge at the last second as they drop away from the railing they get a “Grand Mal Seizure” that resets their brain and they realize everything in their lives can be fixed - except for that whole “step off the bridge” part.
 
It’s like the human brain is specifically engineered to fuck with us until we hit the “big red button”, and then POOF it fixes itself.
 
I hope your near death experience (or to-death-and-back) leaves you filled with solutions and things to try. I’ve always found them especially invigorating, for months afterward.
 

@OliverHancock
 
@Ciaran  
Severely fucked my back up with my recent attempt…guess I’m not meant to die yet. Woke up in the emergency room, which is where I’m at.

@FruityPWN  
In case you are serious, please call 800-273-8255 or go to your nearest emergency room - they will be able to help you and can get you in touch with the services where you live that can help you through this.

@FruityPWN  
Please go to the hospital.

Gonna kill myself in an hour or so.

@OliverHancock  
We’d probably be friends if you never threatened to dox me.
 
Although I’ll smile while slaughtering any lackeys you’d send to my home.
 
Fuck it. For what it’s worth killing your henchmen? We’d still be friends.

@OliverHancock  
Well, things are more livelier in Derpibooru in chatting than here.
 
Less political shits as well.

I feel so lonely and disconnected. :’(

MY NAME SURE DOES LOOK GOOD IN PURPLE.
 
That last bit of magic is gone.

Been hitting myself. Got banned from the hospital after fighting with people who were saying transphobic shit. I don’t know where to go. I wanna kill myself. I have a therapist appointment in a half hour… Hope it helps… Edit: oh for fuck’s sake I forgot to not hit the anon button what the fuck ever it was an accident. This is Oliver Hancock…

I think I’m dying of an actual broken heart. It’s a long long story. Basically my best friend is gone from my life, and it was sudden and I have no idea what happened. This person gave me a second lease on life and it was burned right in front of me.
 
I’ve been suffering severe mood swings of happiness and depression, and it never stops. I haven’t felt such a horrible level of mental instability before. Top that with me downing caffeine to keep the suicidal thoughts from going away, I’m a restless mess. I can’t take a break cause I graduate from school just a few days from now and I have a lot of work to do.
 
I’ve gone from spacing out, having to check if I’m alive, to having my chest slowly tense up more and more, and the physical feeling that I’m going to die. And I can’t call for the hospital, so I’m trying to find a way to stop myself from getting myself killed.

Imagine the world where capitalism was something else, better or worse…
 
Still, a lot of us still wish for something else for sure at this rate.
 
Gotta live with that s@$# while it is still on.

Kill your local terfs, and make general transphobes kill themselves.

I am going to gouge out the eyes, cut out the tongue, and cut off the ears of the next sorry excuse for a human being that says some transphobic shit to me or my girlfriend.
 
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil bitch. If I don’t kill you, you’ll kill yourself after you think about what you did and why your life is ruined.