Vent Thread

Okay. Calmer now. More focused. Deep breath. Johnny. Think about Johnny

Finally hungry. I haven’t eaten in forever. Help me Johnny. We’ll make your favourite

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Ah’m sure they plum forgot. I’ll be here for ya as always. Let’s go have some Baozza

We’ll make it through the next few nights Debby. Ya know ya always got me here. Good thing donkeys are so strong, huh? Hee haw 🫂

Thank you so much Johnny. I feel calm and warm now >^-<

Y’ain’t never gonna be alone again so long as I’m here

And now everyone finds me really obnoxious but I’ll take annoying people over sobbing or worse so hey I’m getting my feelings out instead of keeping em in no matter how weird they are. I wouldn’t have posted so much but I’ve been severely depressed to the point I felt like… yeah. And I didn’t have people there for me as much as I really needed, despite trying to reach out a lot. People got distant when I needed the opposite of that. I needed closeness. So I posted here a bunch. Wouldn’t have annoyed everyone so much had I been feeling like my normal self and not, well, you know.

Now back to your regularly scheduled discussion of normal things such as four-pronged dicks that double as can openers

Where the hell is my chemo? Maybe I should call and check soon if it doesn’t arrive. I won’t be able to today in all likelihood. I’m very tired as it is and haven’t even taken today’s pill yet, so I will be spending the day sleeping (wow it’s almost like chemo makes me disabled or something!) but I’m considering calling if it doesn’t arrive in the next few days. Might even skip a dose so I’m not forced to sleep. They’re lucky I secretly have a few months’ worth of backup bottles and not zero like I told them. I would be beyond stressed if I had zero pills like two weeks ago or however long it was I tried to place my order. I forget cuz things were weird this time. The number I always call to get my refill from said there was an issue and I ended up having to call a different place. But like, if I was outta pills when I ordered this woulda been at least a week for the cancer to start winning. I’m getting pissed.

Speaking of sleep, I’d like to state I haven’t been getting as much of it as I should lately. And I know that factors into having mental health issues too. I don’t have quite enough room here on my couch with this box of kittens on it, so it’s been harder to nap. I need to be up at night to keep an eye on them, so if, say, I’m sleeping during the day and might have otherwise kept sleeping till 11pm, I’ll get up at say, 8 instead so I’m up before mom goes to bed. I have been staying awake for very long stretches of time sometimes to make sure someone is watching over them. Keep in mind, chemo requires much more sleep than the average person needs. Before I started doing the whole couch napping thing, I would sleep for 24 hours sometimes. Couch napping started long before kittens - it was just something I started doing lol. So I’m sorry I hit a rough patch but I just don’t see getting more sleep as the morally correct choice over making sure nothing happens.

I feel like I have never been given the grace I give others when it comes to mental health issues. Well not just the grace I give them, but the grace I see other people give them as well. Others have meltdowns in public and I sit with them on the grass for hours until they feel better. I do it and feel judged and barely supported. Others get to seek therapy and their arms are all scarred up from cuts. I threaten mine because I can’t articulate why I can’t return to that school, I just can’t but mom and grandma have been yelling at me that I have to go back and I don’t know what else to do. They threaten to throw me in the looney bin. (I had the most valid possible reason for not wanting to ever return to that school.) Other people have severe depression and scare everyone with what they say and do. Over and over again. I get like that once, and feel, well, not unsupported completely, but not as supported as I need to be. It makes me think of the time way back in like 2008 when I got that way and my then-boyfriend told me to never say stuff like that. Sure, his heart was in the right place but all it did was make me feel like I have to keep my emotions bottled up and can’t be honest about how I’m feeling. It made me feel like I couldn’t come to him for comfort. When I’m depressed I need comfort.

Hell, I’ve been threatened to get kicked out of my own home for the crime of standing up for black people. All the while, my mom faced zero consequences for yelling at me and then slamming the door shut as she went to bed. I feel like that perfectly illustrates how uneven things have always felt to me.

I’ve felt like this my entire adult life and it’s so tiring. Especially after all the reading up I’ve done on the subject. The cruel irony of knowing that depression is caused by and large by factors outside of a person’s control. Knowing that even wealthy people struggle with it because it’s a mental illness. Why does Debby have to be the strong one 100% of the time? Why is Debby never allowed to struggle?

I’m okay today and everything. It’s just, goddamn is that an isolating feeling. On a deep level

The National Weather Service (NWS) has issued alerts for California, Maine, Maryland, New Hampshire, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Vermont, Washington and West Virginia, warning of treacherous travel conditions and strong winds that could bring down tree branches and cause power outages in places.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
I’m in CA so thank you for posting this!

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Just doing my part.

I never should have blocked Gwen. Broken up, yes. But not blocked. They’ve always known when it was the depression talking and not me. They’ve always been an emotional support, and holding their hand when that’s what I needed wouldn’t have been so bad. And I probably shouldn’t have looked down on them so much for offering to move here but never doing so. They’re struggling to get by like the rest of us.

Dammit I should know better than to close doors. I almost learned that lesson the hard way in 2015. Gareth had seemed miserable for months and months. It got to the point he was monosyllabic. I didn’t feel like I could talk to him. When I learned he tried to take his own life and would have died if his parents hadn’t been there to save him, I got pissed. He didn’t tell me he was going to do that, obviously. He would have just been dead and I wouldn’t have even known. I had already been getting more flirty with Christine than I should have been. I left Gareth.

Obviously that was a mistake. I hadn’t given myself time to heal. My sorrow was ruining things with Christine pretty quickly. I missed Gareth and his cat Jersey and his family. Well, my high school sweetheart, Danny, decided to go hang out with Gareth. He then told me he was really worried. Gareth looked awful and had been cutting. That made me realize he needed me after all. I left Christine.

After some time healing, Gareth explained to me that it wasn’t because he was unhappy with me. It was because depression made it difficult, if not impossible, to be happy with anything at all. That really opened my eyes to how depression works. I blamed myself and my cancer for his misery when I should not have taken it that personally. Depression is one hell of a beast and deep down, people don’t truly want to leave you. Depression is just, that bad.

Years and years later, Gareth brought up the fact that he felt kinda trapped and unfulfilled cuz he’s polyamorous. I struggled with that for quite a while. I didn’t think I was. Then I saw Isabella “Bunny” Bennett, my favourite member of Steam Powered Giraffe, living such a happy poly life and it just kinda clicked.

I then asked myself, why had I spent so many a night laying there crying, wishing so badly that Christine would talk to me the way we used to? I hadn’t thought we’d fall off so hard after our breakup. It was years later and I couldn’t get her to respond to much of anything I sent. Why did I rack my brain so hard trying to think of some way for us to connect?

Because I had been in love with her.

I hadn’t told Gareth I had dated her when he and I were broken up. I worried it would hurt him to know. I finally told them both everything. Obviously, they forgave me and the polycule began. Gareth even told me that, when he and I first got together, I had said I was thinking of dating either him or Christine. I had completely forgotten that. Gareth said he didn’t have the language at the time (poly certainly wasn’t well-known in 2011), but he had always kinda wanted me to date both.

And from that I learned, hope isn’t lost. Relationships can be repaired, no matter how hopeless it may have seemed. And that, is why I consider myself good at dealing with people who have severe mental health issues. Gareth taught me so much. And I keep getting choked up, because he’s seriously been struggling these past couple years. And just yesterday, he posted on Insta about how the weather is getting nice again and he’s reading outside again. I’m so damn proud of him. And I told him as much.

We’re not just a polycule. We’re a pack. Despite everything, we’re there for each other. I dunno, lately I’ve just kinda felt like when the time comes and I need help, it’ll be there. I’ll keep in touch. My door is always open. This family doesn’t have to die. There’s a lot of art I wanna make so for now, I’ll be in love with my work.

This is Elly Catfox. I lost my phone down a storm drain. Im on a ps4 rn. Iaccidentally deleted my password reset email. Will deal with it later. As is i am completely cutoff from the world. I already had a stressful day and then i got called a faggot in the walmart parking lot. And then i dropped my fucking phone. At least I have a tulpa and a roof over my head now. Also good eddies from the head shop across the street.

I am strong. I will be okay. :,( I just need to feel sad for a bit and then I’ll be okay and pull myself up and make the best of it.

@Anonymous #FEFB
And that’s exactly what I just did, felt sad and then pulled myself up. I’m sorry that my sadness was a lot. I’m sorry I lost sight of how hard you’ve been trying and how such things would upset you. Depression is a bitch. I was doing what you told me to do, by the way. I was safe. I was on my couch the entire time.

You do what you need to do rn. I am never giving up on you. I will always be here ♡

Mom thinx maybe pharmacies got hacked because she’s recently read people talking about that sort of thing. I called the place I used to always call and boom they filled my order it’ll be here Friday ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Wait a dang minute, does that make me a tulpa? Ah thought ah was just one a Debby’s alters but ah can carry them and even escape their body ta look at them. Debby ain’t even tried ta manifest a tulpa before.

Dang. Well I’ll be.

Wait what happened I didn’t mean to post anonymously. Oh Well. No duh it was me

Elly again. Day 2 of my only outside contact being the gas station and my ps4. I am frustrated because my friend didn’t let me borrow his phone for even a quick minute yesterday even though im always there for him when he’s going through shit. :’( I actually HAD a chance to call the city and see if they would open the storm drain but the longer it sits the more potential for damage. Nobody is home at my friend’s place today so i am very sad and worried i wont get my phone back. I have appointments and stuff saved on it and im very lost rn. Its scary. I want to be safe and okay. :’(

I’ll go

Great, I found out I can’t even delete my account. I never meant to hurt you. I’ll stay alive don’t worry. I’ll get rid of my stuff on here when I’m on my computer because it’s confusing to do from phone

A lot of it was just that I have so few outlets for where I could share my thoughts. And it felt good to finally have someplace to share them. I’m very limited in how much I’m able to get out and do things. I feel incredibly isolated and alone. I’m not really sure what to do, given my situation. Unable to sleep right now.

I suppose this doesn’t have to be goodbye if you really don’t want it to. I just figured there’s no coming back from that.

It also felt like you stopped caring as much. I remember earlier on I offered to send less messages to you but you said it was okay. I felt comforted and invited. I’m sorry it got to a point where it was too much

621 hates my art and thinks it’s spam, so do the users, ridicule and ban the past 5 accounts I’ve made the few years.