I have much to be thankful for. I’m just in a little bit of a spell. Winter weather is having me dress more modestly and also I just find myself not really feeling like I’m able to be sexy really… tbh I haven’t felt another’s touch besides a coworkers high 5 or a grandparent’s hug in over 2 years. I would like to feel something again.
I exercise. I play piano. I’m getting straight A’s in college. My nails are long, clean, polished, and smoothed. My teeth are whiter than the average American my age. My skin is soft and my legs are smooth. I play games and hang out with friends quite a bit, especially the last few months. I meet new people too. Been on a vegetarian diet and my BMI is in the center of the healthy range. I don’t do drugs except a glass of wine on a Friday night. Introduced myself to plenty of people. I compliment them from time to time. Stopped being overly so or clingy though. I dress somewhat uniquely sometimes but not too crazy either. Sometimes a little showy but not highly provocative or super slutty. Just me.
I’ve been doing this all for me and because I wanted to and wanted to be healthy. Been living in the moment, and not doing all this to “get somebody.”
But, there’s a good friend of mine I had a bit of a crush on and they’re very sweet, and I’m thankful to have them as a friend. After I flirted around a bit we chatted one night and they like me and are thankful to have me as a friend, but nothing more. I swallowed it and moved on and thought that was that, get it out of the way and just be friends, no big deal. For a week it was totally fine, no big deal, my feelings becoming nothing but a memory.
But this week i was reminded quite a bit how single i am listening to others in our friend group talk about their partners. And then tonight watching and listening to my former crush get hit on by a half dozen people tonight was tough.
I tried to brush it off, be positive and rational like new Elly usually does. No biggie right? But I couldn’t. I did a few squats 5 miles in a rainstorm and came home to practice piano. And this time I didn’t do it because i wanted to, I did it because I was hurt and lonely.
I am so much healthier these days, mentally and physically, then I have ever been in my life. I’m proud of this, and in many ways I’m finally realizing my potential, slowly but surely.
Buy dang it still hurts sometimes. Just facts of life I guess, huh? sigh
Thank you for reading this, if anyone does. I mean that, I appreciate you and I hope you appreciate yourself too. ♡ ~