Vent Thread

Elly Catfox
Birthday Fur - Joined within the first year of the site operation and has had significant amount of activity as of June 1, 2021.
Derpy Fur - Prevented Furbooru's terrible fate in April of 2021.
Astra - Helped choose the name for our mascot - Astra.
Passing of the Eclipse - Joined within the first month of public opening and has had at least some activity as of August 3, 2020.
Bronze Piece - Bronze Supporter on Patreon

Foxy Catgirl ^_^
I have much to be thankful for. I’m just in a little bit of a spell. Winter weather is having me dress more modestly and also I just find myself not really feeling like I’m able to be sexy really… tbh I haven’t felt another’s touch besides a coworkers high 5 or a grandparent’s hug in over 2 years. I would like to feel something again.
I exercise. I play piano. I’m getting straight A’s in college. My nails are long, clean, polished, and smoothed. My teeth are whiter than the average American my age. My skin is soft and my legs are smooth. I play games and hang out with friends quite a bit, especially the last few months. I meet new people too. Been on a vegetarian diet and my BMI is in the center of the healthy range. I don’t do drugs except a glass of wine on a Friday night. Introduced myself to plenty of people. I compliment them from time to time. Stopped being overly so or clingy though. I dress somewhat uniquely sometimes but not too crazy either. Sometimes a little showy but not highly provocative or super slutty. Just me.
I’ve been doing this all for me and because I wanted to and wanted to be healthy. Been living in the moment, and not doing all this to “get somebody.”
But, there’s a good friend of mine I had a bit of a crush on and they’re very sweet, and I’m thankful to have them as a friend. After I flirted around a bit we chatted one night and they like me and are thankful to have me as a friend, but nothing more. I swallowed it and moved on and thought that was that, get it out of the way and just be friends, no big deal. For a week it was totally fine, no big deal, my feelings becoming nothing but a memory.
But this week i was reminded quite a bit how single i am listening to others in our friend group talk about their partners. And then tonight watching and listening to my former crush get hit on by a half dozen people tonight was tough.
I tried to brush it off, be positive and rational like new Elly usually does. No biggie right? But I couldn’t. I did a few squats 5 miles in a rainstorm and came home to practice piano. And this time I didn’t do it because i wanted to, I did it because I was hurt and lonely.
I am so much healthier these days, mentally and physically, then I have ever been in my life. I’m proud of this, and in many ways I’m finally realizing my potential, slowly but surely.
Buy dang it still hurts sometimes. Just facts of life I guess, huh? sigh
Thank you for reading this, if anyone does. I mean that, I appreciate you and I hope you appreciate yourself too. ♡ ~
Elly Catfox
Birthday Fur - Joined within the first year of the site operation and has had significant amount of activity as of June 1, 2021.
Derpy Fur - Prevented Furbooru's terrible fate in April of 2021.
Astra - Helped choose the name for our mascot - Astra.
Passing of the Eclipse - Joined within the first month of public opening and has had at least some activity as of August 3, 2020.
Bronze Piece - Bronze Supporter on Patreon

Foxy Catgirl ^_^
I’m in so much pain. I’m once again jealous and relying on externality to be happy, rather than choosing happiness from within. For some reason, I think I’m owed someone and more in life than what I have. I don’t think of it like that consciously at all. I do my best to relax and live in the moment. I’ve given lots of money away to people and live beneath my means because it makes me sick thinking about materialism and my excess at the expense of others… This just keeps welling up though, whether I like it or not.
I’ve fought so hard to get here. I’ve done my homework. I’ve meditated, I’ve journaled. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve reached out to crisis lines and friends. I’ve cried and gotten back up over and over and over because I fight the good fight.
I know I’ve grown so much… but sometimes I’m still pretty close to crisis. I can imagine tonight going to the window and ending my pain again. I’m not going to. I can’t hurt people like that, including myself. <3 :) That actually makes me smile, knowing I am that strong and good to remember that, to know that intimately, and separate my behavior from my thoughts and feelings. I am powerful and strong in that ability that I have so practiced and tempered. To be confronted with such desires for a way out over and over, and to practice healthier ways of dealing with it is strong. To draw that line in the sand is strong. I am strong and I am beautiful for it. I must affirm this. I deserve to affirm this and anyone else out there going through this right now does too. :)
So at least there is that. I am lonely, upset, and confused about why love and romance and a sense of bonding or deeper connections in my life evade me so. :’( I have good friends in a good community online, but I’m so scared it’s “not enough” for me and I will always be in the background, always be just a “sidekick” or put as some stepping stone in a larger hierarchy as people climb on me to reach “something higher” whatever that means.
But at least I am strong enough to keep going now. I didn’t used to be.
I’m worried I don’t appreciate my friends enough though.
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