Elly Catfox 
Foxy Catgirl ^_^
I'm in so much pain. I'm once again jealous and relying on externality to be happy, rather than choosing happiness from within. For some reason, I think I'm owed someone and more in life than what I have. I don't think of it like that consciously at all. I do my best to relax and live in the moment. I've given lots of money away to people and live beneath my means because it makes me sick thinking about materialism and my excess at the expense of others... This just keeps welling up though, whether I like it or not.
I've fought so hard to get here. I've done my homework. I've meditated, I've journaled. I've gone to therapy. I've reached out to crisis lines and friends. I've cried and gotten back up over and over and over because I fight the good fight.
I know I've grown so much... but sometimes I'm still pretty close to crisis. I can imagine tonight going to the window and ending my pain again. I'm not going to. I can't hurt people like that, including myself. <3 :) That actually makes me smile, knowing I am that strong and good to remember that, to know that intimately, and separate my behavior from my thoughts and feelings. I am powerful and strong in that ability that I have so practiced and tempered. To be confronted with such desires for a way out over and over, and to practice healthier ways of dealing with it is strong. To draw that line in the sand is strong. I am strong and I am beautiful for it. I must affirm this. I deserve to affirm this and anyone else out there going through this right now does too. :)
So at least there is that. I am lonely, upset, and confused about why love and romance and a sense of bonding or deeper connections in my life evade me so. :'( I have good friends in a good community online, but I'm so scared it's "not enough" for me and I will always be in the background, always be just a "sidekick" or put as some stepping stone in a larger hierarchy as people climb on me to reach "something higher" whatever that means.
But at least I am strong enough to keep going now. I didn't used to be.
I'm worried I don't appreciate my friends enough though.
I've fought so hard to get here. I've done my homework. I've meditated, I've journaled. I've gone to therapy. I've reached out to crisis lines and friends. I've cried and gotten back up over and over and over because I fight the good fight.
I know I've grown so much... but sometimes I'm still pretty close to crisis. I can imagine tonight going to the window and ending my pain again. I'm not going to. I can't hurt people like that, including myself. <3 :) That actually makes me smile, knowing I am that strong and good to remember that, to know that intimately, and separate my behavior from my thoughts and feelings. I am powerful and strong in that ability that I have so practiced and tempered. To be confronted with such desires for a way out over and over, and to practice healthier ways of dealing with it is strong. To draw that line in the sand is strong. I am strong and I am beautiful for it. I must affirm this. I deserve to affirm this and anyone else out there going through this right now does too. :)
So at least there is that. I am lonely, upset, and confused about why love and romance and a sense of bonding or deeper connections in my life evade me so. :'( I have good friends in a good community online, but I'm so scared it's "not enough" for me and I will always be in the background, always be just a "sidekick" or put as some stepping stone in a larger hierarchy as people climb on me to reach "something higher" whatever that means.
But at least I am strong enough to keep going now. I didn't used to be.
I'm worried I don't appreciate my friends enough though.