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We’ll make it through the next few nights Debby. Ya know ya always got me here. Good thing donkeys are so strong, huh? Hee haw 🫂

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Ah’m sure they plum forgot. I’ll be here for ya as always. Let’s go have some Baozza

Finally hungry. I haven’t eaten in forever. Help me Johnny. We’ll make your favourite

Okay. Calmer now. More focused. Deep breath. Johnny. Think about Johnny

Why did they ask me to do that I think they forgot I have so much trauma around it god I can’t handle this

I’m shaking badly I cccaanntt reelax I am getting desperate to escape this trauma I was already unwell today and this mmnnnade it so much worse

I’m not proud of what I’m gonna have to do to stay alive tonight but I don’t know what else to do I’m reliving so much trauma rn

I’m so lonely 😿

Coal just tried to run off with one of the babies. This is exactly why I didn’t try to go to a hospital. I need to be here at night because my mom obviously can’t stay up to watch them 24/7.

It’s gonna be such a long night. I couldn’t fall asleep earlier today. I couldn’t fall asleep when I tried again. Thank goodness for energy drinx

Can’t nap. I keep crying. Then scene in show mom’s watching. I having PTSD

Day shift is full of idiots.

I’m sad. I’m scared. I feel alone. I’m exhausted. I’m doing my best. I’m trying.

I’ve been so strong for so long. Been helping people out of depression and suicidal thoughts for years. I had my first real taste of them in a long time. It’s always scary. Scares the hell outta me when my loved ones say and do the very things I said and did. I am sorry. I had a really sad dream about Gareth that just broke me. I can’t stop shaking rn

I’m doing the best I can. How many disabilities can one person have? Depression. Anxiety. Chemo side effects. Pain in my tumor this morning despite I’ve skipped like one dose the past two weeks to let my leg heal, and nonstop otherwise.

Really, think about people taking IV chemo. They get so sick. They can’t leave couch/bed for days. They can barely move. Yet here I am, getting up and going for long walks to keep my body healthy. Trying my best to work on my game despite my ADHD and chemo making that difficult. Keeping an eye on baby kittens so nothing bad happens to them. That’s why I didn’t go check myself in anywhere. One of my adult male cats was just laying in their box and one of the kittens was crying loudly. I’m not sure whether he was harming it by like, laying on it. But what would happen if I wasn’t there?

I don’t have money. I’m not able to go work a proper job. Not unless there’s magically some job that will give you a crapton of sick days. For being immunocompromised. For leg injury due to chemo cramps. For 20+ hours of stomach pain so bad I can’t even browse the Internet. Hell, I might have managed to solve that last one. Was anybody going to tell me that it worx best if I take chemo a long while after eating? No. The directions themselves say with or without food. Was anybody going to tell me that I should throw out the last few pills at around 30 days and open a fresh bottle? No. No one even believes me on that one. Only 28 pills per bottle, but usually 3+ days a month of needing a break because of side effects. I am fighting so hard just to live. Not to mention how I try not to a break from chemo for mental health reasons despite knowing it’s rough on mental health. Because I am in the extremely unenviable position of having taken over a year off, and then being far too inconsistent with taking it over the following year or two. Why? I took a year off because we were losing our home at the height of COVID. I had to have people who might be sick come in. I couldn’t afford to go through a session of stomach pain if people were going to look at our house. That was before my breakthrough on that. And I needed to have the strength to lift heavy boxes so we could move. The realtors couldn’t give a rat’s ass that I take chemo. And would the cancer even come back? The doctors had said it would, sure. But who knows for certain? And what’s worse, the cancer coming back to which I can chemo it again? Or dying of COVID?

When I got back on after that, it was problem after problem. Mental health. Stomach. A sickly feeling that clung to my bones. I thought my body had just been taken to its limit. I thought it was impossible to take chemo every other day, let alone every day. I felt hopeless as my face began to bleed. Why does it have a scab that doesn’t heal? Oh, I finally pieced together exactly how taking chemo every day is possible for me. Oh. Ohh. That stops the bleeding and what I’ve been worried is a tumor on my face is ever so slowly shrinking. Oh.

So now it’s a battle where I can’t afford to skip many doses. Especially because catching a cold or whatever is a setback of a week+.

Sigh… I really blew it today. The strong rock that is Debby said the wrong thing in a moment of weakness. To the person that matters the most to me. I messed up. I hope I can fix things when they’re ready to talk. In the meantime, I’ll keep chugging along at Dead Moon. After a nap probably because I’m exhausted. I hope I’ll still be able to meet up with my friend next week. Gotta be able to walk in order to do that and my legs won’t stop shaking. We’ll see.

Thank you everyone for your patience. I don’t know where else to dump my thoughts

I’ve been having a rough time of things and I’m sorry
I promise I’ll do better

The heart may freeze
Or it can burn
The pain will ease
If I can learn:
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as
My last

There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There’s only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what’s right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can’t control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
Is just
To be

There’s only now
There’s only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way

No day but today

Seconded 😞

RIP Akira Toriyama

I’m… sorry, I guess for the previous post. I’m going through a lot. It’s not easy being me, as you can see.

I’m starting to do better, though. I’ve had people reach out to me that haven’t in around a decade and that meant a lot. And deep down I know that I don’t really know what the future holds. We’re not in dire straits here yet, nor that close I don’t think. A lot of what I said was my anxiety and depression talking. I don’t know if anyone’s gonna take in a little stray kitty like me if/when I end up needing a home. Maybe there’s someone out there that will. It’s not like I asked around, because it’s not an immediately pressing issue. Kinda impossible to ask anyone if they’d be willing to take you in three years from now or whenever.

Despite how I’ve been feeling, I made positive changes. I blocked all family that might get transphobic towards me on Facebook, so that I could stop using my deadname on there. I hate it and it always made me a little nauseous anytime I became aware it was there. It’s a far cry from getting it corrected legally, but it’s something. I’m so tired of suffering so bigots don’t harm me and this is at least a way I can combat that. I can at least be myself online.

I have a friend who sends me a ton of selfies. His sense of fashion is amazing and I always love seeing his outfits and bringing out my flamboyant side a little when thinking of how I want to compliment them. He’s goth. He did his usual selfie send while I was out for a walk, to which I decided to respond differently. I sent him a couple selfies of me. He complimented my Misfits shirt and asked if I wanted to get a coffee sometime. After making sure it was understood that it would be as friends only, I said yes. It’ll be the first time I spend in-person time with another human in over a year, so hopefully I’ll manage to make it happen next week. It’s thanks to him that I’ve realized I should do this now and again. I’ve been really stuck on trying to figure out ways to spend time with people. He helped me realize I’m more able to make that work than I had previously thought. I’ve already reached out to another friend about potentially hanging out. And now I’m wondering if anyone else appreciates my friend’s outfits like I do. The thought he might have no one else to share them with is a sad one. Damn. Idk whether that’s the case but, that’s all the more reason I have to do everything I can to keep sticking around.

Speaking of The Misfits, I’ve been rediscovering my love for them. I’m over the bitter taste left in my mouth by Graves’ support for the Proud Boys and back to loving both his and Danzig’s eras, separating art from artist in the case of Graves. Don’t hate Only’s era as much as most people do, either, though I understandably have less fondness for it. It’s just not as good as either of the previous two. And as depressive states tend to make me do, I discovered something new. I realized that almost all of my favourite bands have covered Misfits songs. They are both the tie that binds, and probably the biggest influence on Dead Moon, the RPG I’m slowly trying to make based on stuff I visualize while listening to music. When I first asked myself what the story would be, I started by throwing a bunch of Misfits songs together into a story like a musical. It’s not strictly based on songs - I will add anything I like, any monster I create, whether I can link it to a song or not - but that’s how it got its start.

Lastly, there is a person I care very deeply about that I want to and probably need to stick around for. I realized I do still care deeply about my life’s mission of saving lives, so I’m gonna keep doing what I can to help. And maybe, hopefully, the future will look brighter for both of us. Making a game is going to be hard and I’m aware there is zero guarantee of success but, it’s what I’ve come up with and might just be crazy enough to work. I’m not far along whatsoever. A sprite for a single character can end up taking me a long time if it’s a complex design. But who knows. It’s my way of putting my creativity out there. It’s the punkest thing I can think of to do - to make a game when I have no idea wtf I’m doing, much like the first bands didn’t know htf to play their instruments. But if it becomes beloved, much like Undertale (the game that made me decide to throw my monsters together into an RPG in the first place), I might, just might, be able to save myself and others from bigotry and poverty.

I’m gonna die alone in the streets someday. I had a husband. We had a house that I figured I would someday go move into but I wanted to give him time to get settled and everything. We had never lived together and circumstances had him move an entire state away, which is where the house was. Then we had to break up because he felt as though a new personality overtook him entirely. Or maybe that was just an excuse.

I had a spouse. They always said they’d come drive to here if I ever needed them to. But they never did. I left them for very good reasons but that’s another potential home I’ve lost.

I’m never gonna know happiness like I knew on Trans Dinosaur Christmas ever again. That was the last, perhaps only, truly happy moment of my life. Free from the stress of being around bigots and instead around queer people and the feelings of comfort that brought. Outside talking to the guy I liked most while my hubby was inside cuddling the guy he liked most. Spouse messaging me that I treated them better than anyone else ever has. Finding a fox plushie to buy for my girlfriend for Christmas, when, unbeknownst to both of us, her girlfriend/my crush also found her a fox plush. Perhaps the most hilariously wholesome coincidence in all of polyamory. Little did I know the heights of all that compersion wouldn’t last and I’d lose all of those relationships in a little over a year. I feel like I’d be able to achieve so much healing and a positive mental state if only I could live somewhere free from bigotry where I don’t have to feel trapped in closets and where I’m not with someone who takes digs at me and who I feel like I have to hide so much from. Who blows secondhand smoke towards me day in and day out. But I never will.

I envy other people. Other people get to enjoy having an immune system. Oh well, I already know what it’s like to take chemo until I develop a life-threatening fever. I did that without meaning to during my first year of chemo, because no one talks about the side effects of chemo that is taken every day. Because for most people, especially a decade ago, chemo is a hell they get to escape from in a few months or a year or whatever. Shit just said fever was a side effect, not that you need to stop taking it if you get sick. I’ll stay alive as long as I can but someday, a few years or so from now, I’ll be without my mom and without a home and I’ll burn in the street from a chemo fever. At least I can think about Godzilla in my final moments

People often look up to me for my strength but ah, here it is again. My old friend, the existential dread of incurable cancer. The thoughts I usually just don’t let people see

It has been so incredibly hard to lose this much

Been through some rough stuff lately

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Thirding. You good, dude? Hope you sought medical help. Hope you’re okay Hugs

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
:( are you okay?

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Go to the hospital.

I’ve lost too much blood, this is not good.

@Elly Catfox
Seconding this. I have a roof over my head but it comes at the cost of living with my mom who, while I suppose she could be worse, is quite awful. I don’t feel like I have other options and the thought of trying to navigate a homeless situation terrifies me, because I don’t even have the luxury of a healthy immune system. I’m doing alright all things considered, though.

Big hugs to Elly and Fruity. Hoping things get better for the both of you

@Elly Catfox
I hope everything goes better for you, I am very sorry to read that you are in that situation :^(