Posts

@FruityPWN
My approach in life is to be angry and miserable at all times, that way there’s nowhere to go but up.

Relish in darkness, and cherish the joy.

@Elly Catfox
Glad you feel better 👊😎💓

Eh, I’m coming to terms with myself. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this feeling of overwhelming loneliness,sadness,occasional suicidal thoughts, but most of all, I just feel bloody lost. I have no idea what I am supposed to do or be anymore and I remain the loveless, hopeless, sorry waste of breath and skin that I’ll always be.Misanthropic behavior doesn’t sound too bad, now that I think of it…maybe I’ll decide after the eighth, my birthday, if I want to hate every sentient being in existence. Do I really need to be loved? Heck, it just seems overrated anyways…remaining unloved will prevent anybody else from seeing my bad side anyways. I know, “everybody has them”. My version is just a little different, let us just put it like that.

@ᏰᎯᎠᎻᎬᎯᏒᎿ
Thanks haha. I actually felt way better after posting that and talking to a friend and we sent each other pics and talked dirty to each other, was a lot of fun. >^_^< ♡ ~

@FruityPWN
I’m sorry to hear that. Good luck.

Getting worthless thinking thoughts again.

Good bit o’ arrogance is essential lest ye be a doormat.

I’m in so much pain. I’m once again jealous and relying on externality to be happy, rather than choosing happiness from within. For some reason, I think I’m owed someone and more in life than what I have. I don’t think of it like that consciously at all. I do my best to relax and live in the moment. I’ve given lots of money away to people and live beneath my means because it makes me sick thinking about materialism and my excess at the expense of others… This just keeps welling up though, whether I like it or not.

I’ve fought so hard to get here. I’ve done my homework. I’ve meditated, I’ve journaled. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve reached out to crisis lines and friends. I’ve cried and gotten back up over and over and over because I fight the good fight.

I know I’ve grown so much… but sometimes I’m still pretty close to crisis. I can imagine tonight going to the window and ending my pain again. I’m not going to. I can’t hurt people like that, including myself. <3 :) That actually makes me smile, knowing I am that strong and good to remember that, to know that intimately, and separate my behavior from my thoughts and feelings. I am powerful and strong in that ability that I have so practiced and tempered. To be confronted with such desires for a way out over and over, and to practice healthier ways of dealing with it is strong. To draw that line in the sand is strong. I am strong and I am beautiful for it. I must affirm this. I deserve to affirm this and anyone else out there going through this right now does too. :)

So at least there is that. I am lonely, upset, and confused about why love and romance and a sense of bonding or deeper connections in my life evade me so. :’( I have good friends in a good community online, but I’m so scared it’s “not enough” for me and I will always be in the background, always be just a “sidekick” or put as some stepping stone in a larger hierarchy as people climb on me to reach “something higher” whatever that means.

But at least I am strong enough to keep going now. I didn’t used to be.

I’m worried I don’t appreciate my friends enough though.

@Elly Catfox
There’s a difference between men & women, clinginess is a value on your behalf.

I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life. If she ever left me? Then I’d really lose it.

I have much to be thankful for. I’m just in a little bit of a spell. Winter weather is having me dress more modestly and also I just find myself not really feeling like I’m able to be sexy really… tbh I haven’t felt another’s touch besides a coworkers high 5 or a grandparent’s hug in over 2 years. I would like to feel something again.

I exercise. I play piano. I’m getting straight A’s in college. My nails are long, clean, polished, and smoothed. My teeth are whiter than the average American my age. My skin is soft and my legs are smooth. I play games and hang out with friends quite a bit, especially the last few months. I meet new people too. Been on a vegetarian diet and my BMI is in the center of the healthy range. I don’t do drugs except a glass of wine on a Friday night. Introduced myself to plenty of people. I compliment them from time to time. Stopped being overly so or clingy though. I dress somewhat uniquely sometimes but not too crazy either. Sometimes a little showy but not highly provocative or super slutty. Just me.

I’ve been doing this all for me and because I wanted to and wanted to be healthy. Been living in the moment, and not doing all this to “get somebody.”

But, there’s a good friend of mine I had a bit of a crush on and they’re very sweet, and I’m thankful to have them as a friend. After I flirted around a bit we chatted one night and they like me and are thankful to have me as a friend, but nothing more. I swallowed it and moved on and thought that was that, get it out of the way and just be friends, no big deal. For a week it was totally fine, no big deal, my feelings becoming nothing but a memory.

But this week i was reminded quite a bit how single i am listening to others in our friend group talk about their partners. And then tonight watching and listening to my former crush get hit on by a half dozen people tonight was tough.

I tried to brush it off, be positive and rational like new Elly usually does. No biggie right? But I couldn’t. I did a few squats 5 miles in a rainstorm and came home to practice piano. And this time I didn’t do it because i wanted to, I did it because I was hurt and lonely.

I am so much healthier these days, mentally and physically, then I have ever been in my life. I’m proud of this, and in many ways I’m finally realizing my potential, slowly but surely.

Buy dang it still hurts sometimes. Just facts of life I guess, huh? sigh

Thank you for reading this, if anyone does. I mean that, I appreciate you and I hope you appreciate yourself too. ♡ ~

I’m just plain pissed.

@Elly Catfox
Yeah, right.

@FruityPWN
You can do what I do these days and love yourself. ♡

I just want to be loved.

@ᏰᎯᎠᎻᎬᎯᏒᎿ
Prison food can’t be much better than school food, LOL.

I miss prison food.

@FruityPWN
Don’t they tho

Thick thighs save lives.

@Ciaran
I love how latex highlights the best parts.

@ᏰᎯᎠᎻᎬᎯᏒᎿ
Ask and ye shall

I better get some turkey today.

We need a bigger crowd on here.

♡♡♡ I like this whole internal happiness and not relying on things to go right in my life to be okay.

It did go south, and I am persevering! :’/ I think I’m okay. It’s okay to be proud of yourself simply for not hurting yourself right? Cause that’s what i wanted to do today, and the reason I didn’t is because I know I mustn’t and I must persevere. So that’s what I did just like I practice. I think I’m okay. I just feel useless today but I am not my feelings and I am not my thoughts.

I am strong. I am loved, probably.

Oh God I’m so thankful my life is getting better. Getting straight A’s in college. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

Never gonna forget though that it’s all happening because I’m accepting what I can’t change and relying on internal joy. Even if it went south tomorrow, I would persevere. ♡