Vent Thread

I wish Axe kept their You fragrance.

Rise was another good one, that’s back when I became a Krystal fan.

I am reminded of all the times I’ve taken painkillers just to be able to eat.

Life can be a hellish struggle sometimes, but it’s worth living and hanging in there for the people that love you.

My friend is finally back from the hospital. I’m so relieved 💜 I’ll feel much better not worrying and missing him so much.

I make no promises yet, but I’m beginning to feel like suicidal ideation is becoming a thing of the past for me. Thinking about how part of the reason I lost my shit is it just got to be so hard seeing the people I love go through it time and time again. What I can’t do, is stop those thoughts for them, because they bear no blame when mental health is fragile and times are rough. What I can do, is work towards safeguarding myself from such thoughts. And I’ve pretty much achieved that over these past few months.

It took a lot, though. It took an entire village’s worth of people. And I wish everyone had the access to help I’ve had. Rugged individualism is not the way, despite how badly my country likes to act like it is. Some battles require a lot of help from others, and there is no shame in that.

There is also no shame in only being able to do so much some days. One’s only goal need be to survive. To be.

My poet friend is Gareth. When we told our parents that we broke up, they were immediately like, “You’re still friends, right?” because they know how much we’ve always cared for each other and helped each other out over the years. They know it’s important that we remain in each other’s lives.

He researches medical stuff a lot. Was able to tell him I have low Vitamin D now that he’s done with his inpatient stay. He said that Vitamin D helps with Calcium absorption.

So, this whole time, I’ve had less than half the lowest healthy amount of Vitamin D in my body, and that has impacted my ability to get enough Calcium. I’m sure it has also rendered my energy level severely low, which in turn leads to depression and aggression, or so I’ve read in my studies of CFS.

This is why I always say that mental health issues aren’t the person’s fault.

Oh, and why is my Vitamin D this low? Because I can’t be out in the sun and because I have to take chemo, which impacts nutrition.

Disability: Cancer.

It all comes full circle.

And I will of course keep going out to appointments and keep getting this figured out.

Well Pudge had diarrhea on the towel in my room which woke me up both times and then Sammy threw up on the blanket on our bed and at that point I just said fuck it I’ll get up lmao. Both my tumor and cysts had a good amount of pain that kept me up a bit too. Chemo helped but it’s been a while since I’ve done neosporin and a band-aid so I’ll do that for my tumor next time I sleep.

Well, truth be told I’m not sure if it counts as a tumor. Scarred part of my face? Tumor’s easier to say and conveys that it’s the problem area with the cancer.

But yeah, lotta cleaning up after the fuzzbutts disrupting my sleep today. Makes sense though. What am I, if not a caretaker of felines? And of course Bunny is so sweet, found him on the back cushion of my spot on the couch. He does not usually lay up there, so it was his way of saying he missed me and was waiting for me to get up ♡

His name is Bunny because, when he was a stray outside, his fur was extra-soft like a Bunny. And, we have this statue of a bunny basket. He was the only stray who would frequently go in there. And now I’m remembering how excited he would always be to see me, plopping down right on top of my feet ♡

My mom’s laptop had been put away for the better part of an hour when all of a sudden, the next episode of the show she’s been watching started playing. Does anyone know what might cause this?

My friend Kris has had multiple psychotic episodes. During them, she was afraid that no one ever wanted her and hated her and wanted her to suffer. While I have no romantic interest in them, I reminded them that I love them and want good things for them. She is not alone. They will always have me. This is what I’m here for and what I do 💜

She does deserve love. They do deserve to be happy with these prospective boyfriends. And dammit, I’m gonna be here to remind her of that >^_^<

Huh. Zach says sites can wake up a laptop when it’s in sleep mode. So I guess Netflix did that and autoplayed the episode. Today I learned.

They had some Duke Cannon at the pharmacy where I get my antipsychotics, what goes better with the smell of crotch and butt-crack than a bottle of bourbon.

If I wanted a DUI I could always cover myself in cheap whiskey before hitting the town.

Good news: My OBGYN is so sweet and caring, and my pap smear came back clear! No STIs, STDs, or cervical cancer for me >^_^<

Bad news: Ovaries aren’t supposed to be very big. Mine’s the size of a grapefruit, with like, a lime on top in addition to that. No wonder I’ve been having pain. I’m surprised my pain hasn’t been much worse. I will need at least some sort of surgical procedure to take care of it. Will be back to see her again soon for further discussion.

I am an entire medical mess. The kind of human wreckage that you love 🤪

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Grats on the clear Pap smears. :) Sorry about your enlarged ovaries. Hopefully that won’t be too bad. :(

I get woken up at eleven at night with diarrhea by some asshole pounding on the door. The furniture is rearrange and there’s junk all over the place, the dog has been neglected, all sorts of things to stress me out.

@Ciaran
Thanx :3

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Do your best to calm down. Breathe. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed by things too, so I getchu.

Welp…can’t get any worse than this.

@FruityPWN
🫂 Keep hanging in there. Don’t give up!

Oh the debates are being streamed on Amazon Prime? Oh how lovely. 🙃

Neighborhood sure is looking good this evening. Definitely feeling the Green Day vibes. I’m just at the point I can’t even stand to hear his voice anymore. Not after I went through four years of hell because of him 😖

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
It’s basically just fire & ice at this point.

Whew. A stress shit and a walk sure are good for anxiety. Debate’s over so now I don’t have to hear or see him. Please understand, it goes deeper than politix. I was abused because of the cult-like obsession with him. I’m open to potentially telling what happened, but it does involve one of the two candidates so I can only remove it from being political to an extent, and it will be a tough read. I am not over the PTSD I have from it. I foresee plenty of walx in the future.

Feeling much calmer. Now back to my art project >^_^<

I love this so much aaaa. The vision is there and it’s really coming through. This is my favourite image edit thingy I’ve ever done >^_^<

How many times have you gotten comfortable only to be knocked out by a phone to the chin?

Okay, I waited a few days and nobody told me not to. So here we go.

It’s Trump, as if that wasn’t obvious by the fact that not a soul on this earth has a cult-like obsession with Biden. I hate Donald Trump with every fiber of my being. I hate him more than my rapist, because he has caused me so much more pain. Sounds crazy? I think not. Allow me to explain.

The day he was elected, I felt a heaviness. I just knew he was about to bring a reign of evil down upon my life. But I tried my best to think positively, if only for my mom. Maybe, at least, she would be happier that her guy won. My mom owned the house we used to live in. We got by enough to make the house payments by her going to swap meets and estate sales, then reselling on eBay. Well, mom just had to rename her eBay account after him, and if I recall correctly, it’s against their policy to promote political stuff. This eventually lead to my mom getting shadowbanned and thus, our eBay sales tanking. Which in turn lead to years of strife as we slowly lost our house. Mom was trapped in such an information silo that she wasn’t even aware that Trump was such a contentious figure. I guess she thought the overwhelming majority of people were happy that he won? That’s what it sounds like. Her words, saying she didn’t even know people hated Trump.

That would be bad enough on its own, but it gets worse. There’s being forced to hear the voice of someone you despise day in and day out, because she doesn’t use headphones when watching stuff. There was one of the first things he did, banning trans people from the military. I will admit, I instigated this one, started yelling at her about it after Fox News talked about it for hours. Of course she fully sided with Trump, despite knowing and loving Gareth for years. Sure, neither Gareth nor myself would ever join the military. But what if Trump implemented a policy that prevented Gareth from transitioning, or… worse. Would my mom seriously keep siding with Trump? It sure felt like it. Siding that hard with someone she had never met, over her own kid and the trans guy they were in love with. That sure made me feel unloved by my mom.

There was covfefe. It was like, a couple years after that whole thing, mom says to me out of the blue that covfefe was actually a holiday in another country or something. To make it sound like Trump had actually done something smart there. Well, later that night, I looked into it. The Tweet had been sent out at midnightish, then nothing, then deleted in the morning. So, god forbid the God Emperor make a typo while falling asleep, despite the fact he’s the president and in his 70s. That’s how deep she was in.

There was the time that mom was so upset by something to do with Trump, she made me blow up at her so she could lay insults into me. She started going on and on about how trans kids shouldn’t be allowed to go to public schools at all, in an attempt to get a rise out of me. I think it slowly bothered her more and more how well I was keeping my cool. Eventually, we got on the topic of puberty blockers, and all I wanted to say was how I’d been told they work. Would have taken me maybe a minute or two, after I had sat there listening to mom for over an hour. I waited another I wanna say 20 minutes before I began trying to say what I wanted to say. She would not. Stop. Interrupting. Me. She would give me the go-ahead to speak, only to interrupt. Over and over and over and over. When I exploded in a shout of PLEASE, she got this sick, twisted smirk on her face now that she had carte blanche to call me a bitch and threaten to kick me out of the house. I later spied on her Twitter, and what had her all upset was… someone, somehow, had actually gotten through the brick wall that was her mind. They provided compelling evidence of Trump being linked to pedophiles, and she had actually said that if he was, he needs to be taken down too. But could mom tell me that, and tell me that was why she was so upset? No, of course not. She had spent years glorifying Trump as this great pedophile-fighter, the “only one” who could. But she was distraught, so she hit the bottle and took it out on me.

There was another time, she went on and on about how Trump must have been appointed by god, because there was this old video of some preacher going on about “the trump” and how it would save us or something. That is how extreme the idol worship went.

Oh, and then there was the time she was banned from Twitter. Again this was during Trump’s presidency, not after when he also got banned, so obviously, my mom wanted back on there to keep up with him. She tried using my email address to make another account, only for it to say that email address was already in use. She asked me if I had ever made a Twitter account, and of course I said no. We argued for quite some time, and stupid self-doubting me of back then, I said the wrong thing. I said, “Well I dunno, maybe I made an account years ago that I forgot about?” which caused her to call me a lying bitch and slam the door on me as she went to bed. She treated her own kid like that over a fucking website. As I spent the night crying and feeling like complete shit due to that silent treatment, I scoured my email account for anything and sure enough, some Russian person/bot had gotten ahold of my email years and years ago and made an account. I don’t know how. It was very odd. I had told the truth but she didn’t believe in me.

I took a receipt once. The context is it was around May 2020, I had a mask on in case I answered the door for the pizza that was about to be delivered. This was early in the pandemic before we understood it well. Brace yourselves, it’s not an easy listen. That’s how she would talk to me sometimes. That was also when she would yell out the window at neighbors for wearing masks so, who’s really the brainwashed one here?

So, no. I do not believe Trump winning made her happier in the slightest.

Since Biden took office, there have been notably far less incidents like those. Except for the big one. See, one thing I’ve never told anybody until now… my mother has cancer. I was there, probably a decade or more ago now, when she got it removed from the tip of her nose. That’s back now, as is this crusty mass on the back of one of her hands. And she has these splotches on her neck that look like hickies that never go away. Those, I’m not entirely sure are cancer, but of course I suspect they are. She covers them in bandaids when she goes grocery shopping, and one of the bandaids fell off and someone said something to her. I have no idea what, she didn’t tell me. But it upset her deeply. So deeply that, that evening, she was in the bathroom stabbing at her neck splotches with scissors. I had a vision of her bleeding out, and it would have been easy to just let that happen after everything, but would it have been right? Hell no! I got in there and I wrestled with her, avoiding getting stabbed but taking a punch to the chest. When she still wouldn’t listen to me as I kept telling her to stop, I knew I had to take further drastic action. She begged me not to call 911, threatening to kick me out of the house if I did, but it had to be done or she wouldn’t stop. She didn’t want the neighbors to know, like I give a shit about that when she might die. She presumably gaslit the cops pretty hard, idk what was said cuz Gareth and I went outside and talked to a couple different cops, him having come over that day by chance, and staying later and missing a dental appointment to help keep me safe. Mom was so upset that I had called 911, she refused to speak to me for… a week? two weeks? Well, except for telling me that my ass is out of this house so I better pack up and find somewhere else to live. I told her I loved her every single day, even though she refused to say it back.

Gareth and Christine got me through the longest silent treatment of my life. It was when I was dating both of them. Christine and I marathoned the MCU together over the Internet (she lives in Ohio), and she got to listen to my lengthy feminist and anti-copaganda rants. The MCU is fun, but I do have my issues with it, haha. Got me through all those silent nights. Gareth took me to Barnes and Noble on our next hangout day for some retail therapy. It made me think about how each person in a polycule brings their own unique strengths. It was quite beautiful >^_^<

And today, I’m so damn proud of my mom. She’s come a long way and we haven’t had any major fights in years. It’s hard. It’s so damn hard, to have cancer she can’t do a thing about because she has no insurance. She doesn’t even have The Black Parade (album) to help her process the feelings and fears of living with cancer. It’s hard, fighting my fight with me, it’s so much and so tiring. She’s waking up to the effect she’s had on me, and I can sense that deep down, she’s sorry. She’s managing her drinking less, whether that’s by drinking less, I’m not quite sure. Maybe she’s just calmer in general. It was hard for her to hear that my ovary is in the state that it’s in, so we went to 7-11 to get her a couple bottles of wine. I got blanin’ buffalo ranch Doritos, a new flavour, and they’re very good >^_^<

The other day, I realized a big part of why I hate Trump so much. I hate him, because I love her.

She didn’t kick me out for my recent psychotic episode, either, obviously. She has proven herself a safe person to live with. My love for her has never been misplaced. Even drove me to the hospital in the middle of the night, when my bed reeked of cat piss and I sprayed Lysol all over it in the state I was in at that time, and did not feel like my heart would do well to stay there.

And I get my revenge on Trump and the far-right every single day. I take my identity as a Killjoy seriously. I’ve asked myself what it truly means to be one. How does one fight against the oppressors who want to drain us of our emotions and our colours in the real world? We can’t go in with laser guns, that obviously won’t work. No, that would only lead to us getting silenced, by either prison or death. And in the words of Dr. Death-Defying, “An eye for an eye makes us all blind.” No, the weapons we need are unconventional. We need noise. We need art. We need creation. We need living well. For everyone I keep alive, that’s one more person alive that the right can’t stand. One more voice united with mine. Killjoys, make some noise! Conquering depression is even good, because, for as much as I’ve touted inpatient hospital stays, they do silence you for however long they decide to keep you. Which is part of why, when they wanted to hold me for a few days, I decided I’d rather leave. The other reason? They gave me scrambled eggs, which are repulsive to me, and very bland cereal-nut mixture to eat. They were probably trying to help out my potassium, but would I have been made to eat that for the next three days? Forget that! I got up and went.

When I had my mental episode, mom did re-contextualize the scissors incident. Said she just, really wasn’t in her right mind and didn’t know what was going on that whole time. I believe her, and it has helped me heal from the trauma of that. The answer this whole time was no, it was not because of me. My mom just lost her mind, as sad as that is. Because a mother’s love is as strong as it is eternal.

Keep hanging in there, everyone. I know this is a lot, but we just have to stay strong. If I can, I know you call can, too >^_^<

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
That little bit about the shadowbanning is the reason I try to stay out of politics these days.

@ᎶㄖҜㄩ 乃ㄥ卂匚Ҝ
I’m very political, just stayed quiet about it on here until now, for the most part. If I went on political rants, it would probably just cause drama. Today, I am making an exception to that, to explain why I just feel like leaving the house more than anything when Trump’s on. Ugh.

I think someone tried to phish my Steam account.

I missed a photo opportunity with my car’s odometer, today. It was going to read 123,456 miles.