Vent Thread

I’m in emotional pain I’m in stomach pain I’m in tumor pain I’m in muscle pain. All the people who want or need me around are damn lucky I always fight through this shit and lucky that I don’t give up hope. I’ll give Centaur World a try when I have more spoons because my attention span is terrible when everything hurts.

I’m having cockroach chili!

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Oh dear. Pulling for you.

@Elly Catfox
Thanx. Means a lot ♡

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Between this and the spiders, it sounds like you really need an exterminator

Hell yeah! My local college shut down the camps

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Lmao

Feeling partway towards feeling better again. Attention span still not feeling great, but I slept for a long time before I got up last night, so another long sleep once it’s time to sleep will hopefully fix that. Get to go have my cavity filled or whatever they’re gonna do for it, which is nice because I enjoy going to the dentist :3

I wonder what exactly caused my depression to get bad again? The blood loss? Did vitamin deficiency get triggered from losing so much blood? Friend/sibling mentioned feeling sick from getting four vials drawn and I think mine was more (only got a glimpse) but I felt okay after? But, I take chemo, which increases my sensitivity to stuff, and can cause reactions after the fact - like how I can catch a virus and it’s not until I take a few chemo doses that sickness hits. Is there any withdrawal with chemo? Obviously not enough to have actual withdrawal symptoms, but enough to cause depression? That’s the kind of thing I wonder from time to time, as most people take chemo for a while then leave it behind, but I’ve taken it for a decade so it’s one of those things that probably doesn’t have an answer out there that goes with continuous use. Was it a mental side effect of probably catching conjunctivitis again? Was it a mix of all of these?

Well, I had a feeling it would be temporary, and that’s seeming like the case. I did a lot of maths. I’ll do more maths :3

Lol that took less than 40 minutes. Cavity drill and fill 100% speedrun accomplished!

Fuck man… This conjunctivitis is scary. I’m getting worried for these kittens. And it sucks because there’s a part of me that just wants to take them to a shelter already. Get it over with. But we can’t. It’s gonna be awful enough bringing them somewhere not knowing if they’ll live and if their new homes will be good… We definitely can’t in good faith bring them in while sick. I’m too worried they might get put down, and if not, get all the other animals sick.

I don’t know whether the shelter we end up finding will be no-kill or not. Shelters everywhere are very full, so our options are limited. The cats cost us too much to keep them all, though. And when we looked into spaying and neutering, doesn’t seem like anyone around even does it. Mom asked a vet who used to do it but doesn’t anymore, what the cost used to be, and was told $500. Yeah…

Reminder that I can’t drive, so my ability to do much here is limited.

Sigh…

Oh and, I guess I spoke too soon about mom not getting it. She’s felt like she has a little something. Which I feel like just confirms beyond a doubt that I caught it a few times last year, otherwise I’d be pretty sick right now and not just having some minor early signs. She used to be doubtful that it was what I had gotten and well, lookie who’s right again.

It’s time…

@Anonymous #0E0B
Yup time to keep on living

I remember the last crush I have ever had back when I was in Highschool. It was my freshman year, and there was this girl who I liked. We kinda became friends, and we had a little in common. Until one day, she just started spreading rumors about me for no reason, and acting like she hated me. I honestly don’t really know what I did to her.
She ended up dropping out because of COVID, and I never really saw her again. I know that I need to forget about her, it has been 5 years ago, but it sucks to be backstabbed like that… I have such trust issues…

Man I’m sorry for posting so much but I was almost feeling better again and the kittens being sick just…

It’s like, damn. God fucking damn. I lose the relationship I was in for over a decade. I’m backstabbed by the other one who was otherwise there for me so often and helpful with so many things. Breakup with the third one was honestly not too bad but not like it didn’t hurt at all… And then the ensuing spiral fucks everything up on here and even though I’ve fixed things it’s still kinda the fact it happened at all… And now the kittens falling this ill…

It’s like, fuck. How much pain can one heart take? I just want these guys to go to good homes because at least the silver lining is they can make other people happy.

I just feel like such a failure. Or crazy. Or both.

And I know I know, gotta practice what I preach and fight through my depression and stay alive. I will. I always have.

This is just so much pain.

Edit: We did buy medicine by the way. We’re giving it to the kittens. Just no idea if it’ll work

Smoking was a mistake, depression returned like a motherfucker.

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
🫂

Ya know what? I don’t think I have appointments next week. Just please, let it stay that way. Give me a little break 🙏

I didn’t want to complain about it much, but having two appointments every week really is getting to be too much. I’m grateful that we’re taking proactive steps in my healthcare, but also… walx are a huge help, as is getting a lot of sleep. And the problem comes in when I’m someone who feels much more soreness than a normal person, and needs much more sleep than a normal person.

And if we were doing the appointments a different way, that might be fine too. I’d love to have both appointments on the same day, or back-to-back. But no, always having one on day, a gap day or two, and then the other. Always in the morning because that’s the best time for my mom to be able to go, meaning I’m not getting either the walk or the nap I probably would have taken.

It’s been over two months of this. And my mind keeps thinking about how getting labs drawn for both my oncologist and primary care doctor at once probably contributed to my mental health getting low again. It was so much, and there’s still a little soreness here and there.

If I can get a week or so break from going to appointments and take some time to get walx in and just. Breathe. I think that’ll help

I haven’t been able to emotionally regulate today.

@Elly Catfox
Keep hangin in there. And like, I feel a little sorry I’m going through stuff so often, cuz I know it doesn’t make things easier to hear I got something unfortunate going on. I’m trying. I want to be happy and be well. And then stuff happens that makes it difficult.

I am feeling a little better now that I’ve been up for a few hours and ate something. That I should hopefully have a free week to look forward to has my spirits up. And a number has smiled upon me today :3

I’ve been feeling like this for a while, but, it really feels like that happy, enthusiastic part of me is dying. I wouldn’t say I feel sad, necessarily. Just muted from how I used to be.

Edit: Reflecting on why I feel this way, I think it’s like… My hopes of any sort of a better life for myself are gone. I’ll work on Dead Moon and see if anything comes of it, but that’s gonna take time. Time I’m not sure I have. I guess for my own sake I should keep the hope alive that our landlord never decides to do anything else with this house or something. It’s long been a source of anxiety for me that we always say we want to stay another year and he lets us but he very well could just not. Gotta keep in mind that the reverse could be true and we could still be here five years from now.

But Dead Moon’s, like, the only hope I really have at this point.

It just feels like most of my fire is gone. I’m embers.

Maybe my anti-depressants are making me feel this way? Not depressed or sad but moreso… melancholy.

Which I guess is better?

They also kinda feel like a band-aid. They don’t solve loneliness or emptiness. It feels like they kinda just numb the worst pains, which is good, but they’re clearly no substitute for genuine happiness.

Also, I feel like complaining about therapy so I’m gonna.

The reason I haven’t had anything new I learned, to post in case it’s helpful for anyone here, is because I haven’t gone back yet. Not because I don’t want to - despite being tired of appointments and feeling mixed on anti-depressants thus far, I do - but because my therapist called me the day of my appointment saying an emergency came up and she couldn’t work that day. That’s fine, life happens… But I missed that call, tried to call her back to no avail. Sent an email and it was over a week till I heard back. We did a brief over-the-phone appointment, in which she kinda made it sound like I should just go to the LGBT+ center instead, which I don’t think they even do therapy there? I’m not even certain how operational they are - my old friends from there kinda made it sound like stuff hasn’t picked back up since the pandemic. When I tried calling the center, I got no answer. I told my therapist that during our phone call. She told me she’d try to get in touch with her contact there and I’d hear from her by the end of Monday at the latest. To be fair, Monday was Memorial Day, but wellp… It’s Friday and I still haven’t heard from her.

Meanwhile, it’s a good thing I answered calls from a number that uses the same area code that I do. Because that was the pharmacy. First time, to tell me that my prescription wasn’t ready. Yesterday, to tell me that my prescription was ready for pickup. Automated voice, so if I hadn’t answered, I’m not sure I would have gotten a voicemail. It’s my psychiatrist who handles the prescription side of things, not my therapist, for clarification.

It’s like, this is an awful lot of flakiness and lack of communication. Obviously, I’m aware that I can call and/or email them. Might do next week. But that’s not really the point. These are supposed to be professionals, and considering they have armed security there, likely deal with people who are on drugs and such, and thus would be likely to forget to call there themselves. Am I so wrong for feeling like I should have heard from both of them? Therapist on the LGBT center, psychiatrist letting me know she refilled my prescription. Emails, at the very least.

And like yeah it’s weird that my therapist kinda seemed to imply that I should go to the center instead of seeing her. That’s a place for support groups and game nights. I understand not seeing this therapist forever or anything, but I’ve only seen her three times. It’s weird.

There’s so many people in this waiting room. It’s currently 9:28 here. My appointment was at 9. I was tired to the point of needing sleep at 7 🥲

I lowkey want to scream. Burnout. I’m completely burnt out on appointments.

Sigh… just have to make it through this one and then I don’t have any more for a while. Please, please let it stay that way

Finally home! What a great doctor, probably the best I’ve met! He was so engaged and really cared, to the point he went through our thick medical folder and picked out a lot of stuff to make copies for himself! I’ve never had a doctor do that. My primary care doctor is an absolute 10/10!

I’m exhausted though lmao. Still no appointment next week and probably likely at this point that there won’t be.

And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want to continue going to appointments. I just need a little break for a week or so and then I’ll feel ready to get back in the fight (fight against mental illness and cancer and various other things too) again :3

Good news from the zones, tumbleweeds! My feelings are normal and valid!

My AuDHD friend who made that autism-positivity Discord server I mentioned, well, he shared a meme a few days ago about only being able to do one thing a day. That makes me feel so much better, knowing he feels that way when we’re both AuDHD but he doesn’t also have to take chemo. Additionally, a pornbot joined his server, and what it posted absolutely should have sent me into a panic attack and… I felt slight discomfort at most. Sertraline isn’t only an anti-depressant. It doubles as a treatment for PTSD.

While in the waiting room for my appointment, I scrolled Instagram, and what should pop up in my feed, but a post detailing the symptoms of burnout. Turns out, feeling low, melancholy, hopeless… That’s all part of it. So, now I know, and, considering I’m nowhere near done going to appointments, I can recognize it going forward.

I’m gonna just sleep for a long time, and then take a break from posting on here for a few days to help deal with my burnout, and give y’all a break from me. Thanx for staying patient for your patient, having a little corner of the Internet to vent stuff to is very helpful. Remember to stay strong while ya boy David is gone, and that I care about all of you ♡

Until next time, so long and goodnight, nya ฅ(ﾐ꒡⋏꒡ﾐ)∫

I fucked my babysitter when I was a kid. It wasn’t consensual. Actually was 2 of them. They were twice my age. They pulled my shorts down and held me against the wall and made me cry and told me not to pee. And then they molested me and sucked my dick. Their mom watched and encouraged them, cheering them on from the room next over. That was 23 years ago and it feels like it was yesterday.