“Nothing can be done
With a Should
I can’t fix any of this
Let’s start with what we can do”
It’s a powerful sentiment that really resonates with me. Especially right now, as I’m still trying to nurse my mental health. I am a heavily disabled person, so getting caught up in the shoulds isn’t healthy. It’s only going to make me feel worse to think about things I’m either completely not able to do, or not able to do for now while depression and loneliness are weighing so heavily on me. There are things I have in mind for the future that are gonna be awesome when I’m feeling able to do them - like exercising more! But it’s okay that I’m only exercising a little right now.
I am doing everything I can do. I am not just going to appointments for my mental health - but for my physical health as well. I am finding communities via Discord. One of them even recently made me feel more sure of myself - it’s a mental health community called “You’re Not Alone”. I took a screening test for bipolar on a site linked on there, and ended up checking yes on almost every question. It’s not a proper diagnosis - the Discord and site have a disclaimer stating as much - but it does give me assurance that when I’ve said I probably have something, I’m right or at least very close to being right. And it’s not like official diagnosis is out of reach, should therapy continue to go okay. Far from the best, but okay.
And all the networking I’ve been doing and connecting with people has helped a ton. I’m making my usual amazing connections with people.
And I am eternally grateful that I didn’t lose this site as a place of connecting, because I’ve been doing the same thing on here.
I can’t fix the fact that being disabled has forced me to be an incredibly socially awkward shut-in. But what I can do, is keep being social. Keep trying my best to help people. Something I’ve been doing on here is trying to tell jokes and make people laugh. I don’t know whether they’ve gone over well or if they’re only funny to me. But I’m trying and maybe I’ll get better at it over time, or maybe I won’t and it’ll be kinda funny that I always fumble ¯_(ツ)_/¯
On the topic of helping people, I met a guy who is a major downer and very difficult to try to help. He’s incredibly depressed about how hard it is to find a job and how he doesn’t have one. He’s also very jealous of other autistic people who do have jobs - caught up in the “should”. I think he feels more comfortable talking to me because my disabilities prevent me from having a proper one. I managed to think of some things he could do today. Helping people is not always an easy task. I’m proud of myself for that :3
As another, recent friend of mine says, “better to have friends worth a million than have a million friends”. And so many friends have reached out and been there for me in so many amazing ways since I started telling them how much I was struggling. I have so many friends worth a million <3