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Well Pudge had diarrhea on the towel in my room which woke me up both times and then Sammy threw up on the blanket on our bed and at that point I just said fuck it I’ll get up lmao. Both my tumor and cysts had a good amount of pain that kept me up a bit too. Chemo helped but it’s been a while since I’ve done neosporin and a band-aid so I’ll do that for my tumor next time I sleep.

Well, truth be told I’m not sure if it counts as a tumor. Scarred part of my face? Tumor’s easier to say and conveys that it’s the problem area with the cancer.

But yeah, lotta cleaning up after the fuzzbutts disrupting my sleep today. Makes sense though. What am I, if not a caretaker of felines? And of course Bunny is so sweet, found him on the back cushion of my spot on the couch. He does not usually lay up there, so it was his way of saying he missed me and was waiting for me to get up ♡

His name is Bunny because, when he was a stray outside, his fur was extra-soft like a Bunny. And, we have this statue of a bunny basket. He was the only stray who would frequently go in there. And now I’m remembering how excited he would always be to see me, plopping down right on top of my feet ♡

Oh, and why is my Vitamin D this low? Because I can’t be out in the sun and because I have to take chemo, which impacts nutrition.

Disability: Cancer.

It all comes full circle.

And I will of course keep going out to appointments and keep getting this figured out.

My poet friend is Gareth. When we told our parents that we broke up, they were immediately like, “You’re still friends, right?” because they know how much we’ve always cared for each other and helped each other out over the years. They know it’s important that we remain in each other’s lives.

He researches medical stuff a lot. Was able to tell him I have low Vitamin D now that he’s done with his inpatient stay. He said that Vitamin D helps with Calcium absorption.

So, this whole time, I’ve had less than half the lowest healthy amount of Vitamin D in my body, and that has impacted my ability to get enough Calcium. I’m sure it has also rendered my energy level severely low, which in turn leads to depression and aggression, or so I’ve read in my studies of CFS.

This is why I always say that mental health issues aren’t the person’s fault.

I am reminded of all the times I’ve taken painkillers just to be able to eat.

Life can be a hellish struggle sometimes, but it’s worth living and hanging in there for the people that love you.

My friend is finally back from the hospital. I’m so relieved 💜 I’ll feel much better not worrying and missing him so much.

I make no promises yet, but I’m beginning to feel like suicidal ideation is becoming a thing of the past for me. Thinking about how part of the reason I lost my shit is it just got to be so hard seeing the people I love go through it time and time again. What I can’t do, is stop those thoughts for them, because they bear no blame when mental health is fragile and times are rough. What I can do, is work towards safeguarding myself from such thoughts. And I’ve pretty much achieved that over these past few months.

It took a lot, though. It took an entire village’s worth of people. And I wish everyone had the access to help I’ve had. Rugged individualism is not the way, despite how badly my country likes to act like it is. Some battles require a lot of help from others, and there is no shame in that.

There is also no shame in only being able to do so much some days. One’s only goal need be to survive. To be.

I wish Axe kept their You fragrance.

Rise was another good one, that’s back when I became a Krystal fan.

It’s been like 8 or 9 days since I messaged my poet friend, so at least that long of him being in inpatient care. His housemate said they’re worried about him. I am too. I’m crying about again :,(

The dog has fleas on his bum!

I should take my own advice and not worry so much if I post a lot. My anxiety got the better of me and told me people would feel less overwhelmed if I posted as anon sometimes. So I did that when it wouldn’t be obvious it was me. My apologies that the scars run deep from past social interactions where I really wasn’t treated well.

This is why it feels like this site is helpful for learning and personal growth :3

Brain MRI came back clear of everything! My oncologist also said no new growths or anything so I think they scanned my tumor too? Winning the cancer battle!

But holy shit, my Vitamin D level is at 12 and the lowest people usually have is 30! No wonder my fatigue got so bad.

I was right. I was right for years when I had this sinking feeling like I had a vitamin deficiency. I was right when, during my mental episode, I said I was dying. I was dying.

But not anymore! My oncologist prescribed me a supplement that will give me a higher dose of vitamin D than over-the-counter supplements do :3

Won’t have to get double-labs, either. I didn’t even bring up to him the arm pain that having that much blood drawn caused. He said on his own that my primary care doctor will handle labs from here on out :3

I am a killjoy, and killjoys never die 💜

@Anonymous #B10A
Reminder: In any given thread, please post as yourself or anonymously, but never do both in the same thread.

I know you have a lot going on, but you’re jumping back and forth between named and anonymous, and it would really help if you would pick one way to be here.

Also when posting aggressive things like this, indicate who “you” is so others don’t mistake your posts as attacks aimed at them.

Read a post about self-hatred that really made me realize a lot, so I posted it here as anon. My apologies that it came off as aggressive. I was hoping it would be helpful for others, too. Same goes for the informational things I posted. They sounded like helpful things to know. Didn’t mean to alarm anyone ;^_
~ Strange Kitten 💜

Pixel art is hard, especially when all you’ve got to work with is a touchpad and MS Paint. Still, Julie’s coming along pretty quickly, even with how much I’ve had to take breaks to nurse my mental health.

Making a game entirely from scratch is gonna be one hell of a task. I have no idea if I’ll actually pull it off. I feel like a lot rides on me staying housed, in that regard. Hopefully I’ll be able to some way or another.

For now, it’s just me making sprites in MS Paint, and could very well be that way for years. I have big ideas and ambitions for Dead Moon. But hopefully, someday, I’ll get farther than that and can start reaching out to friends for help on the project.

Appealing to a broad audience is certainly not something I plan on. I am unapologetically queer, as will be a lot of my characters. My vision and artistic integrity will not be so compromised. But I sure as hell hope it sees success, assuming I make it to the point of release. I think about how that money could keep a roof over my head in the distant future, and hopefully be used to help my friends out, too. Because I have no idea how the hell else a disabled person who needs to take chemo every day is supposed to achieve that.

Well over a year ago, my elderly cat, Sammy, started going potty in front of the closet in my bedroom. Since my room is at the back of the house and carpeted, we went with putting down a trash bag, then a towel, instead of a cat litter. Gross, I know, but the old girl refused to use the cat litter we have in the kitchen, and wants to be on my bed the vast majority of the time.

Well now, one of the kittens has been pooping under the trash bag and towel rather than on top. I don’t think there’s much I can do to keep the towel and bag down so that whoever’s doing it can’t dig em up. I also think it would be cruel to lock Sammy out of my room, but she gets constipated and health declines if I lock her in, because she doesn’t get enough water and moving around. So I have no choice but to keep my door open when I’m not sleeping.

Thank goodness for Lysol pet stain cleaner, lol.

Getting drunk is weird.

You’re tired, you’re sweaty.
But everything feels alright.

Ahhh, finally my energy level returns >^_^< I’ve never been drunk, but I’d imagine it was a lot what being drunk is like. Stumbling around, accidentally turning a burner on my oven on because I bumped into it… That’s how seriously wiped out I was. It feels good to get back to feeling like my normal self :3

I think I messed up a little when I finally saw an OBGYN. I told her I wasn’t completely sure how much my cysts were hurting me and how much was just in my head now knowing I had them. But I was having sensitivity during our visit, and now they’ve been hurting me a lot during this “condition”. I’ll probably get a follow-up with her soon, and I’ll definitely tell her there’s been a lot of pain lately. This post is a bit of a note-to-self.

It took forever to see one because Medi-Cal kept trying to send me back to the one I saw in like, 2016 I think. But every time we tried to call, we got no answer and the voicemail was also full. We can only assume she went out of practice or something. Needed a primary care doctor in order to get referred to a new one. That has finally happened :3

Sigh… soon, soon, this will be done and I’ll feel better. Just a couple more days or so. I’ve been so exhausted I sleot all day, and now I’m feelin kinda low cuz it’s been so long since I’ve eaten. Managed to take chemo and anti-depressant when I got up for the bathroom, though, and I’m proud of myself for that. Back on break I go, I’m so fatigued typing’s starting to take too much energy.

@nova_the_goober
sleepdrunkenly crawls out of my cocoon Hugs
You’re defonitely in the right place when it comes to redemption. Everyone here seems to have forgiven me for when I lost my mind to mental illness. helps I’ve taken so many steps to ensure it never happens again, but still. It’s good knowing I set things rght for the most part, and good knowing the people here believe in second chances.

As to the people villifying you, fucj them. It’s actually kinda funny that I mentioned that ex-friend of mine recently becausee she was as heinous, if not worse than the person you’re trying to distance yourself from. Nobody blamed me for her crimes - and rightfuly so. she was the one out there committing them, not me. So to blame or villify you for having known a bad person is messed up.

people keep vilifying me for my past and i’m fucking sick of it, why be nice and show sympathy for others and try to redeem yourself when you just get dogpiled on and vilified either way? seems like redemption is a myth to many people these days…

The alcohol keeps coming.

How could I say no to that?

Studies have shown that chronic loneliness can lead to an increase in the stress hormone cortisol, which can cause inflammation and damage to brain cells. This can potentially lead to:

On the other hand, regular social interaction can have numerous benefits for our brain. Engaging in meaningful conversations and maintaining strong social connection can:

Was definitely the right call to take a break. My condition has me extremely fatigued, winded, and in pain. Sometimes I just know when it’s gonna get bad.

Yesterday was also one of those days where tons of things go wrong. It started with realizing the screw came out of the hinge on my glasse - it’s way too tiny to easily repair. I went to bed, then woke up to a bunch of ants gathering in and around my laptop. We got all the cats out of my room and hit it with flea spray, then kept the cats out till it was safe again. I had an issue due my condition not once, but twice. Then, because I was so out of it, I accidentally stepped on Dusty’s paw and he got my foot pretty bad with his claws. I asked my poet friend’s housemate how he’s doing because he didn’t reply when I asked him, and he’s in inpatient again. We’re both worried about him.

Today was a better day. Father’s Day gave me an excuse to call and catch up with dad. He’s also been going to a ton of appointments. Cancer treatment is causing him to lose teeth, but he’s seeing a dentist about it and they can get him replacements as needed. He beat his cancer years ago, just still dealing with the toll treatment has taken on his body. He said he’ll be fine and I’ll be fine, and that was honestly very comforting to hear.

When it comes to my parents, I’ve really been trying to just forgive them for past misgivings and love them in the ways that I can. I have the power to connect with people even if we have some massive disagreements. Though my father fighting with me over my being queer as a teen, that ultimately lead to their divorce as he wanted to kick me out for it still leaves scars to this day.

But, me being a lucky cat comes into play yet again because my primary care doctor has already been in the process of getting me an optometrist and ophthalmologist. The wise old man knew that’s what I would most need next, so new glasses are hopefully around the corner :3

Anyway, back on break I go. I imagine it’ll be at least a couple more days of this condition before my energy level picks back up again 💜

Intermittent explosive disorder involves repeated, sudden bouts of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts. The reactions are too extreme for the situation. Road rage, domestic abuse, throwing or breaking objects, or other temper tantrums may be symptoms of intermittent explosive disorder.

These explosive outbursts, which occur off and on, cause major distress. They can harm relationships and cause problems at work or school. They also can result in problems with the law.

Intermittent explosive disorder is a long-term condition that can go on for years. But the severity of outbursts may lessen with age. Treatment involves talk therapy and medicine to help you control your aggressive impulses

I was gonna have buttered mashed potatoes with barbecue sauce, fuck that idea.

Yeah, I can tell I’m getting low on spoons again as my body goes through something that’ll leave me drained for the coming days. Break time again, talk to y’all after a while, crocodiles 🐊

The pain in my toe is much less today. Because of appointment I’ll probably wait till after the 20th to get back into walx, but at least that’ll give my sprain time to hopefully fully heal :3