This inimitable character starred in Donnie Dapperphant and Friends, a wildly successful children’s television show. Much of its appeal stemmed from Donnie Dapperphant himself. As the Mayor of Merrydell, he presided over a colourful cast of similarly strange animals with a benign incompetence small children found hilarious, while those who were old enough to start questioning authority found his antics daringly subversive. Sophisticated adult viewers found him more than merely tolerable due to his frequent gaffes and double entendres. Within a year of their debut, the residents of Merrydell were appearing live at shopping malls, charity and sport events, while related toys and merchandise emptied wallets and filled homes. Donnie Dapperphant even appeared on a talk show before a federal election, and answered a string of difficult questions with such endearing honesty many in the audience thought he’d make a better president than any actual candidate. Luckily for everyone this greatest of gags ended there, and after wishing everyone good night Donnie returned to his normal duties as the Mayor of Merrydell.

Unluckily for everyone, the show’s unparalleled success took place against a backdrop of much greater economic failures. Though many lost their jobs and homes, none blamed Donnie Dapperphant; he provided an escape they embraced with ever greater fervour. He starred in several films and games that were so successful their producers bought out their competitors and used their ever-growing wealth to build Greater Merrydell, a theme park styled after the show but built on a much grander scale. The cast first appeared as costumed performers, but they were eventually replaced by more reliable bionic constructs that never formed unions or asked for more pay.

Few readers need to be reminded of the Blood Riots in detail, or the fact so many warnings had gone unheeded for so long. It is far better to focus on the great leaders who have since emerged and the noble institutions that have brought order to our world. It is, of course, regrettable that much of our culture was lost throughout this long and often difficult process, but Donnie Dapperphant lives on. Those charged with crimes against the state are released in Greater Merrydell. Here they are tirelessly hunted by creations that once entertained, but have since been reprogrammed as killing machines. Those who reach the Northern Gate keep their lives, if not their freedom, but the vast majority fall to the not-so-playful gags of not-so-funny animals. Donnie Dapperphant appears at the end of every show to finish off the maimed with a mallet. His famous catchphrases include “the elephant is in the room,” “I’m not doing this for peanuts,” and “I never forget a face!” Through broadcasting these spectacles the state provides the populace with a mix of entertainment and much-needed moral guidance.