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Whew. A stress shit and a walk sure are good for anxiety. Debate’s over so now I don’t have to hear or see him. Please understand, it goes deeper than politix. I was abused because of the cult-like obsession with him. I’m open to potentially telling what happened, but it does involve one of the two candidates so I can only remove it from being political to an extent, and it will be a tough read. I am not over the PTSD I have from it. I foresee plenty of walx in the future.

Feeling much calmer. Now back to my art project >^_<

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
It’s basically just fire & ice at this point.

Oh the debates are being streamed on Amazon Prime? Oh how lovely. 🙃

Neighborhood sure is looking good this evening. Definitely feeling the Green Day vibes. I’m just at the point I can’t even stand to hear his voice anymore. Not after I went through four years of hell because of him 😖

@FruityPWN
🫂 Keep hanging in there. Don’t give up!

Welp…can’t get any worse than this.

@Ciaran
Thanx :3

@𝕭𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙
Do your best to calm down. Breathe. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed by things too, so I getchu.

I get woken up at eleven at night with diarrhea by some asshole pounding on the door. The furniture is rearrange and there’s junk all over the place, the dog has been neglected, all sorts of things to stress me out.

@StrangeKittenOfTheFabulousKilljoys
Grats on the clear Pap smears. :) Sorry about your enlarged ovaries. Hopefully that won’t be too bad. :(

Good news: My OBGYN is so sweet and caring, and my pap smear came back clear! No STIs, STDs, or cervical cancer for me >^_<

Bad news: Ovaries aren’t supposed to be very big. Mine’s the size of a grapefruit, with like, a lime on top in addition to that. No wonder I’ve been having pain. I’m surprised my pain hasn’t been much worse. I will need at least some sort of surgical procedure to take care of it. Will be back to see her again soon for further discussion.

I am an entire medical mess. The kind of human wreckage that you love 🤪

They had some Duke Cannon at the pharmacy where I get my antipsychotics, what goes better with the smell of crotch and butt-crack than a bottle of bourbon.

If I wanted a DUI I could always cover myself in cheap whiskey before hitting the town.

Huh. Zach says sites can wake up a laptop when it’s in sleep mode. So I guess Netflix did that and autoplayed the episode. Today I learned.

My friend Kris has had multiple psychotic episodes. During them, she was afraid that no one ever wanted her and hated her and wanted her to suffer. While I have no romantic interest in them, I reminded them that I love them and want good things for them. She is not alone. They will always have me. This is what I’m here for and what I do 💜

She does deserve love. They do deserve to be happy with these prospective boyfriends. And dammit, I’m gonna be here to remind her of that >^_<

My mom’s laptop had been put away for the better part of an hour when all of a sudden, the next episode of the show she’s been watching started playing. Does anyone know what might cause this?

Well Pudge had diarrhea on the towel in my room which woke me up both times and then Sammy threw up on the blanket on our bed and at that point I just said fuck it I’ll get up lmao. Both my tumor and cysts had a good amount of pain that kept me up a bit too. Chemo helped but it’s been a while since I’ve done neosporin and a band-aid so I’ll do that for my tumor next time I sleep.

Well, truth be told I’m not sure if it counts as a tumor. Scarred part of my face? Tumor’s easier to say and conveys that it’s the problem area with the cancer.

But yeah, lotta cleaning up after the fuzzbutts disrupting my sleep today. Makes sense though. What am I, if not a caretaker of felines? And of course Bunny is so sweet, found him on the back cushion of my spot on the couch. He does not usually lay up there, so it was his way of saying he missed me and was waiting for me to get up ♡

His name is Bunny because, when he was a stray outside, his fur was extra-soft like a Bunny. And, we have this statue of a bunny basket. He was the only stray who would frequently go in there. And now I’m remembering how excited he would always be to see me, plopping down right on top of my feet ♡

Oh, and why is my Vitamin D this low? Because I can’t be out in the sun and because I have to take chemo, which impacts nutrition.

Disability: Cancer.

It all comes full circle.

And I will of course keep going out to appointments and keep getting this figured out.

My poet friend is Gareth. When we told our parents that we broke up, they were immediately like, “You’re still friends, right?” because they know how much we’ve always cared for each other and helped each other out over the years. They know it’s important that we remain in each other’s lives.

He researches medical stuff a lot. Was able to tell him I have low Vitamin D now that he’s done with his inpatient stay. He said that Vitamin D helps with Calcium absorption.

So, this whole time, I’ve had less than half the lowest healthy amount of Vitamin D in my body, and that has impacted my ability to get enough Calcium. I’m sure it has also rendered my energy level severely low, which in turn leads to depression and aggression, or so I’ve read in my studies of CFS.

This is why I always say that mental health issues aren’t the person’s fault.

I am reminded of all the times I’ve taken painkillers just to be able to eat.

Life can be a hellish struggle sometimes, but it’s worth living and hanging in there for the people that love you.

My friend is finally back from the hospital. I’m so relieved 💜 I’ll feel much better not worrying and missing him so much.

I make no promises yet, but I’m beginning to feel like suicidal ideation is becoming a thing of the past for me. Thinking about how part of the reason I lost my shit is it just got to be so hard seeing the people I love go through it time and time again. What I can’t do, is stop those thoughts for them, because they bear no blame when mental health is fragile and times are rough. What I can do, is work towards safeguarding myself from such thoughts. And I’ve pretty much achieved that over these past few months.

It took a lot, though. It took an entire village’s worth of people. And I wish everyone had the access to help I’ve had. Rugged individualism is not the way, despite how badly my country likes to act like it is. Some battles require a lot of help from others, and there is no shame in that.

There is also no shame in only being able to do so much some days. One’s only goal need be to survive. To be.

I wish Axe kept their You fragrance.

Rise was another good one, that’s back when I became a Krystal fan.

It’s been like 8 or 9 days since I messaged my poet friend, so at least that long of him being in inpatient care. His housemate said they’re worried about him. I am too. I’m crying about again :,(

The dog has fleas on his bum!

I should take my own advice and not worry so much if I post a lot. My anxiety got the better of me and told me people would feel less overwhelmed if I posted as anon sometimes. So I did that when it wouldn’t be obvious it was me. My apologies that the scars run deep from past social interactions where I really wasn’t treated well.

This is why it feels like this site is helpful for learning and personal growth :3

Brain MRI came back clear of everything! My oncologist also said no new growths or anything so I think they scanned my tumor too? Winning the cancer battle!

But holy shit, my Vitamin D level is at 12 and the lowest people usually have is 30! No wonder my fatigue got so bad.

I was right. I was right for years when I had this sinking feeling like I had a vitamin deficiency. I was right when, during my mental episode, I said I was dying. I was dying.

But not anymore! My oncologist prescribed me a supplement that will give me a higher dose of vitamin D than over-the-counter supplements do :3

Won’t have to get double-labs, either. I didn’t even bring up to him the arm pain that having that much blood drawn caused. He said on his own that my primary care doctor will handle labs from here on out :3

I am a killjoy, and killjoys never die 💜

@Anonymous #B10A
Reminder: In any given thread, please post as yourself or anonymously, but never do both in the same thread.

I know you have a lot going on, but you’re jumping back and forth between named and anonymous, and it would really help if you would pick one way to be here.

Also when posting aggressive things like this, indicate who “you” is so others don’t mistake your posts as attacks aimed at them.

Read a post about self-hatred that really made me realize a lot, so I posted it here as anon. My apologies that it came off as aggressive. I was hoping it would be helpful for others, too. Same goes for the informational things I posted. They sounded like helpful things to know. Didn’t mean to alarm anyone ;^_
~ Strange Kitten 💜

Pixel art is hard, especially when all you’ve got to work with is a touchpad and MS Paint. Still, Julie’s coming along pretty quickly, even with how much I’ve had to take breaks to nurse my mental health.

Making a game entirely from scratch is gonna be one hell of a task. I have no idea if I’ll actually pull it off. I feel like a lot rides on me staying housed, in that regard. Hopefully I’ll be able to some way or another.

For now, it’s just me making sprites in MS Paint, and could very well be that way for years. I have big ideas and ambitions for Dead Moon. But hopefully, someday, I’ll get farther than that and can start reaching out to friends for help on the project.

Appealing to a broad audience is certainly not something I plan on. I am unapologetically queer, as will be a lot of my characters. My vision and artistic integrity will not be so compromised. But I sure as hell hope it sees success, assuming I make it to the point of release. I think about how that money could keep a roof over my head in the distant future, and hopefully be used to help my friends out, too. Because I have no idea how the hell else a disabled person who needs to take chemo every day is supposed to achieve that.