I’m double-posting. Sue me.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’d like to think I don’t deserve the bad things that have happened to me, be it certain special individuals whom have done me dirty and haven’t so much as apologized for it and just pretended it didn’t and doesn’t exist and/or matter, financial struggles, or even just personal mental issues one goes through daily that still ride on the mind, so on and so forth. Must be a terrible thing to steal someone from someone else, I can only imagine what satisfaction that feels like for someone else.
I’ve been screwed over so many times by so many different individuals and scenarios and yet, it doesn’t matter. Not for them or for anybody else, really. It really hurts when they break your heart into a million pieces, it really, really, really does. It seems that no matter what I do or say, I am destined to be hurt and alone…forever means never, farewells are meaningless.
I don’t mean just individuals, but events and trauma from things happening and happened will happen are still haunting me…been through a lot in my life, yet, I just don’t want to do it anymore.
I can’t expect anybody to care anymore, because why would they when they have their own problems? I’m just a chew toy, but I never wanted to be, just someone who will love me. That’s all I ever wanted, to be loved and desired by another, maybe to help them as well with anything they wanted…sadly, I am unable to save everyone, as much as I want. I want to give up, but don’t, even though I should, I just keep getting hurt and the wounds never heal. I feel so scarred by what I’ve been through, both what others have tone and just trauma caused by events that aren’t caused by anyone specific.
I’m not exactly ideal at first glance, but one thing I will guarantee is loyalty, nobility, love and care beyond comprehension, even if I’m incompetent as frick. Every day, I’ll just wake up, feeling worse and worse…I wouldn’t be surprised if I just gave up one day.
I really wanted to just end my life the other day after one of my bestest friends in the whole would backstabbed me, like all those other relationships. I’m not sure why I thought I could even hold a friendship, when I can’t even hold myself together. I just couldn’t take it anymore, but then, for what ever reason, I didn’t and I just couldn’t stop feeling sad, to the point where I was physically ill. I still flirt with the idea, but I don’t want to die, exactly, I just don’t want to live like I am.
After one of my life goals was taken away from me, I felt like I could never trust again, perhaps that is true. This is an individual I would have taken a literal bullet for, but now, it feels like I don’t even know them anymore.
Financially in a hole, once more, I will have to fight hard to avoid the hobo life this time around, yet my life is ruled by everyone else.
I struggle with independence. I want to be, but I must be dependent, it really harms my self worth.
Will I ever catch a break? Will I love again? This, I cannot say…
